Cake, Jumper Leads and Departure Dates

Oh I really need to do this every day, because I'm getting to the point of actually having things to say every day! And then I actually get around to blogging, and feel like I have a million things to say. Mind you, I'll get to the end of this and wonder where all those interesting things went ;)

So I settled down after Wednesday. I had a really good day with J on Thursday, and by the end of that...was back to normal. Hmm. I am praying about what to do next. Oh, I have been getting migraines still since seeing my chiropractor on Thursday, so I am going to make an appointment with my GP to get a referral to a specialist. So perhaps I will talk to her about anxiety stuffs aswell.

Had coffee (and way too yummy cake) with Tony on Friday night. I was supposed to be working Saturday, but got a call early Friday evening saying they had been quiet, and Frank was cutting hours for that week. Right...that's okay except that was my ONE shift for the entire week! Ah, the joys of being a casual. Anyway, it had it's upsides as I was then free to be as late as I wanted with Tony and not worry about getting home to bed early-ish. We had a really good chat and have decided it needs to be a regular occurance :) I *may* have left my lights on and flattened Noofy's battery, but only because I was running late and in such a hurry to meet Tony that I wasn't thinking straight! Or something like that. Tony being the great guy he is, had jumper leads, and jump started Noofy for me :)
Side note: Thomas, you need to get lessons off this guy. You know how you stood there for about 20 minutes reading the instructions, and then had to RING YOUR DAD?! Tony did it all within 5 minutes ;) If you are going to be my friend, you need to know how to jump start a car, boof ;)
End side note.

Yesterday I slept in and had a VERY lazy morning, before heading down to my uncle and aunty's to help them move house. That was...boring :P But glad I could help.
Came home about 6 with a mild headache, watched The Santa Clause 2 which is to cute for words, and went to bed at 8.45pm with a full blowm migraine. Eh!

Off to J's church tonight. I am surprisingly calm. If you can be petrified and calm at the same time :P I think it's just that they are all so much older than me, you know? And probably sophisticated and worldy and classy and then here comes little ol' Beth, who has no clue about anything! No it will be fine *smiles* Do you believe me? :P

So, big news of the weekend: I am booked on a flight headed for Thailand on the 29th of April next year, and shall return on the 13th of May. My Dad's response was..."what?! where did that come from?!", so if you have had the same; don't worry :P
Dave and Von mentioned to me about a month ago that they were heading over, and would I interested in going with them. I said maybe, and would think about it. Then we chatted about it a bit more the Saturday night J and I were there for dinner, and I said I was very interested. Friday night I get a message from Dave saying he was online, and had found cheap flights...should he book me one? I really had no hesitations at all, so said yep! And yesterday I got confirmation that they were all booked, and I had better get a passport!
I have been thinking about doing something like this for the last few months, and it is definitely a God thing that Dave and Von are doing this and have invited me. I wanted to go overseas, not with my family, to see that there is another world outside of my own, preferably before I settled down with a partner. So not a coincidence that this is all happening weeks into a new relationship, and one which we are both relatively sure will go the distance ;)
I'm not sure of definite plans yet, but I know we will be spenidng a few days in a refugee camp that Dave and Von have a bit to do with, and also spending some time just holidaying.
It hit me driving home yesterday. I sent J a message saying "crap. I'm going to Thailand." :P It is a good thing, and a God thing, and I am excited beyond words and it is going to be amazing and something which I will always treasure. But it is big and scary and CRAP! :P There are all these underlying fears which I could spend my time worrying about, but on top of them, I have a peace about it, because I know it is a God thing.
So, yes...all very exciting :)

And now I really need to get my butt into gear and go and shower!

1 sleep til my birthday :)
Eeeee!

The 'A' Word

I've been trying to decide whether to write this blog all night. I don't want it to seem like I'm just whinging or being down on myself or having a pity party. I don't want to wallow and I don't want to put anything out there that may cause criticism.
Rel said something yesterday that has been making me think (as Rel does). On the one hand, it seems natural that I would have a blog because I am a very open person. But on the other, by having a blog, I am putting myself out there for the world to see and to criticize. Anyone can read this, including rude arrogant and mean people who do not care about my feelings. I have no protection here. There is no shielding for me and I am putting myself out there to be hurt. Now I know I don't exactly write about things that are going to cause a war, and there is only a slim chance that I am going to have some random person come by and bag me. But I find ANY form of negative feedback hard. Including the people I know love me questioning something I say or anything that might have the slightest hint of negativity.
I told Rel I thought this was a good thing. I need to grow a backbone at some stage, no? And sitting behind a computer screen is probably one of the easiest ways to do it :P
Oh I have no idea where I am going with this!

So anyway, it would appear that I am blogging :P

I had a major anxiety attack this morning. It started last night when I started to feel a bit uneasy and slowly progressed into my "just want to hide under a rock away from the world" stage. Mum has said she noticed I was a bit fidgety last night, which is a sign something is not quite right.
I wish I would know when I'm going to have an attack. It used to be so easy to tell, but now when I'm down...it either means a. I'm just down and will get over it, or b. I'm going to have an attack. Well now that I put it like that I never realised it was so clear cut! I guess now that I've realised that, I can do things to try and prevent an attack when I do feel down.
Anyway, I was off last night. I was speaking to J before I went to bed and was SO close to heading off to bed without any worries, but then broke down and freaked out a little. About what? I'm not sure. I ended up going to bed and setting my alarm for 7am this morning to get up and go look after Jack. I went to sleep straight away and slept right through until my alarm went off, and woke up in an absolute panic. I headed into Mum and cried and freaked out and nearly hyperventilated and cried some more. Rach went and looked after Jack for me, and I ended up sleeping the majority of the morning.

Now...what was I freaking out about? My main motivation for writing this blog is to nut this out, because I'm a little bit confused and a bit bewildered by the whole thing.
There was nothing scary about going to Dave and Von's or looking after Jack or anything that the day entailed. There were no specific circumstances that I was afraid of or had cause for worry about. I was simply scared of going out in the world in general. I was overcome with fear of things unknown, which brings me to the root of my very anxiety problem and what it has been about all along. Mum was trying to get out of me what was wrong this morning, and I came out with something about being scared of the world and putting myself out there to be hurt. I still feel a little bit of that now, and I think this is the basis for when I normally freak out about things. I am scared of life. Most people are to a certain extent, aren't they?
This is not something I like feeling and it is becoming more and more of a regular occurance. It starts off with just a feeling, and then I dwell on it and it turns into an anxiety attack. This is good that I'm pulling it apart because it means I am giving myself power to do something about it.
Why is this happening more regularly? Because I'm not settled in life and there are a few unknowns floating around (ie. work, massage course, church)? Is it simply because things are going good for J and I and we are following the Lord, therefore satan is picking on my weakness? Does it even matter WHY?

I desperatly do not want to go back to the way I was. I'm petrified of being back in that place and realising that everything I had worked so hard for has disappeared and all the baby steps and giant steps I had made were for nothing. And that just seems so very possible, you know? But talking like that is doing nothing for ensuring that doesn't happen, hey.

Where do I go from here? My options as I see them:

• I keep going the way I was, hoping this is just a stage and it will pass and things will go back to normal for the majority of the time, with an attack here and there over things that ARE significant. All the while praying that if it's n God's will, He will take the anxiety away from me so that I can live and bring glory to His name the best way I can.
• I go and see my GP and talk to her about it. See if maybe I should try other medications.
• I go and see a different GP. Maybe someone specialised.
• I realise I am just going to have this all of my life and I obviously DON'T have the coping skills, so go and see a phsycologist/councellor who will be able to provide me with them.

I obviously need to pray and seek God in this. I really am very unsure of what to do now, and I want option 1 to only happen if i have made a CHOICE, not just because I was to scared to do anything else.

So I think I'm okay now. I really need to just spend some time with God. Which I will head off and do now.

.

Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.

Robert A. Heinlein

Migraines and Igloo's

I like having J here. We don't even have to be together all the time. Like right now, he is sitting in my room watching some show about cars, and I am (obviously) out here sitting on the computer. It's just nice knowing he is here and that I can go and give him a cuddle and a kiss whenever I want too :)
And he is becoming more and more part of the family too, which is really nice. Both of us, and I know Mum and Dad do too, look forward to the day when he can just be here when I'm not and be comfortable just sitting around chatting to Mum and Dad. This is quickly becoming his house too, and he has even commented that he likes having another family, and people he see's regularly.

I have been getting a few migraines lately. I'm hoping it's just because my back is out, as I'm going to see my chiropractor on Thursday. I'm a bit overdue for that, so it wouldn't surprise me. It's been so nice not getting them though! I didn't realise how nice it was, until they reappeared! I do have to admit tho...it is nice being looked after by a certain young man ;) He is VERY good at it!

Saturday night saw us heading out to Dave and Von's for tea with them and Rach and Cam...which was great :) A few hours in, Dave asked if I wanted to go and Jack Gaze (stare at Jack while he's sleeping), so we wandered off into the muppets room, where Dave proceeded to tell me that he approved of J, and thought he was a great guy and definitely "a keeper" :) I said yep, and Dave give me a big bear hug! This is big coming from Dave. Infact, I'll show you why!! We were there, maybe 5 minutes, whern Von said "Ok, let's just get it all out on the table: James, Dave is going to be jealous of you because he loves Beth very much, okay?" Hehehe! I also had told J that he wasn't allowed to meet Dave until after we were official incase Dave tried to scare him away, lol.
So it was very cool of Dave to say that, and is just one more thing confirming our relationship.
It was a great night. I had my first piece of red meat since starting to eat meat again! And it wsn't as bad as I thought it would be. Von and I are continuing to get on great and I continue to realise how much I want to be like that woman. Jack is growing far too quickly and is so cute I just want to wrap him up in snuggles and keep him there forever! And J got on REALLY well with Dave and Von, and we both see us hanging out with them a lot :) Which is a very good thing.

Today started my week of meeting new people! J and I headed down to Brunswick Street to meet up with Matt and Laura. Matt I had met previously at Hillsong through the Sale crew, but didn't get to know him much. We had lunch at Bimbo's, which is a bar/cafe filled with couches and a cave/igloo type thing which we took as ours and sat in for the following hour or so. This may explain why J and I both have funny heads/eyes now :P It was bizarre. We ate some yummy(ish) pizza, got to know each other some more, and designed our spehre shaped igloo/spa which we are going to take into outer-space.
Thursday we are having lunch with the beautiful Sam and Bec! I can't wait to meet these girlies :) That will be awesome.
And then Sunday I am going to J's church for the first time to be watched closely by all of his friends. Hmm! I am slightly petrified at this :P No it will be great, but I AM nervous. Only natural, I'm guessing.

And now I am off to snuggle with my boy while he laughs at things that are not funny about cars!

Birthday in 7 sleeps :)

The Power of Positive

So you know how I've been having those ups and downs? I've been in a 'down' stage for a little while now, and I'm struggling. Wow, for some reason it just hit me when I typed that I was struggling. Maybe when I actually admit it for the world to see, it becomes more real? Oh I don't know.
I am just in this constant...blergh. I don't feel happy or joyous or at peace or content or just okay. And I struggle with this in itself because I have no reason to be sad or worried or scared or fearful. Life is pretty good. And even if it wasn't, I still have no excuse to feel this way.

So my purpose for this blog is to list my blessings, my good things in life. To remind of all that I have to be happy about. Maybe this will be the kick in the ass I need.

So here we go...

• I baby-sat for my precious girls last night. It is always a joy to spend time with them and their innocense and joyous eyes always hits my heart.
• I got to see Rel for a little bit, and was reminded of how beautiful this woman is and how blessed I am to have her as my mentor. This in itself, was a kick up the ass, as I was reminded of how much I love them all and how I need to be spending more time with them.
• I have the greatest Mum and Dad. I will hear stories of other peoples parents and all those niggly little annoying things about mine disappear. They love and fear the Lord and have taught me to do the same. They have stuck by me through all my painful years and I know they always will. I have fun with them and ENJOY being around them and I know not many people can say that.
• I have a great sister who I am becoming closer to as we grow older. She is the best shopping-buddy ever and I know that as we grow older and experience all life has to offer, we will do it together and always be able to go to each other for anything.
• I have incredible friends. There are a few people who have been in my life for a long time and who will stay in my heart forever. I have friendships a lot of people only dream about, and I far too often take them for granted.
• I have a job that I mostly enjoy doing. I get along with my bosses.
• I have enough money to live off comfortably. Even with the price of petrol these days.
• I am going to have time in the next few weeks to finish my course.
• I have the most amazing boyfriend. He is so much more than I could ever dream of, and God loves me so much that he has blessed me with J to love. And he is dealing with me so well. Mate I wouldn't have been surprised if he'd have turned around and said "who is this chick?" with the way I have been treating him lately. But instead, he tells me he loves me unconditionally. He brings joy to my life, and reminds me constantly of Jesus' love, simply thru his own love. And we are going well. Really well.
• I have a Saviour who died on the cross for my doubts, and my temptations, and my lies, and moments of weakness. I have a Lord who walks before me and follows behind me. My Jesus thinks I'm beautiful and desires my heart. My path is set, and my way set me before me. The greatest man who ever lived is with me all the time, and holds me in His arms when I let Him. He wants to bless me adundantly, and loves me so much that He only has everything good planned for my life.

There is no reason for me to feel like this.

Ups and Downs

Okay so I'm not entirely sure why I'm blogging or even what I'm blogging about, but I got the urge ;)

I have been a bit up and down lately (sympathy can go directly to J!). Saturday I was off to work, and was feeling quite anxious about that for some reason Friday night. But I am very thankful in saying that I hardly had any anxiety about it Saturday morning, and got to work and through my shift fine :) Praise God!

Sunday saw me showing my beautiful boy off to my old church! Lauren and Tim and the rest of the people who went to Thailand were leading the service at Rowville Sunday morning, so Mum, Dad, me and J headed there to suss it all out! Very odd being back at a morning service at Rowville. I entirely enjoyed holding on to J's hand so the world could see that Beth has grown up and she has the SpunkiestBoyAlive with her ;) It was interesting the people who came and spoke to us. Though admittedly we did have to leave relatively soon after the service. It was awesome to see Steve, Rel and the girls (okay especially Rel!!) and has made my heart ache desperatly to go and spend some time with them!! Soon, very soon.
We then headed to a restaurant for lunch with Lauren and Tim which was nice but a little too pricey for what they provided. This was J's first official family gathering :) :) It was probably a good thing that most of the attention was on Lauren and Tim and their trip, so J didn't get bombarded with attention ;) He did beautifully (not that he was performing!!), and Mum told me today that he is going to fit very nicely into the family, hehe. I do think so too ;)

Today...J and I washed Sam and Noofy AND cleaned Sam inside. Never mind that both cars are now dirty again (thank you rain!)...the point is we were productive and DID something and Sam is all beautiful inside, yay! Then we went down to Fountain Gate to look for phone holders and car mats and beds...and came back with three seasons of Scrubs. Hmm. Oh, and the phone holder, so I guess it was a successful trip ;)

We got back and I immediatly started feeling funny. About what? Oh, I don't know. Do I ever know? We cuddled for a bit before J had to leave for work, and all of a sudden I was overwhelmed with life. I was quite obviously feeling anxious...but unlike most other times, it wasn't about one particular thing. I was just overwhelmed. I think it just hits me every now and then. I have come so far and accomplished so much and life now is very different from what it was. Sometimes I just get reminders of what I used to feel like every day, and then I freak out at all the stuff I am carrying now that I am ABLE to carry it. When I'm in that moment (or in this case, a few hours)...I feel like I am back at the beginning of this struggle again. I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders and wonder how on earth I am ever going to simply DEAL with all life throws at me. I go over and over every detail of my life. Work : I cannot do that. It's too hard. I let them down far too often and I will just have anxiety attack after anxiety attack and soon enough they will get sick of it and fire me. Maybe I should just quit now and hide under a rock?
J: I am not good enough for him. I cannot be the partner he deserves or give him all that he should be able to recieve. I am going to make life hell for him and he shouldn't have to put up with me or my emotional upheavals and daily struggles. His friends are going to think he's mad when they meet me. I will never be enough for him.
Church: I'm never going to find one where I will fit in and be able to serve. I won't be able to serve even if I DO find a church because I will be too scared. Once agin, the rock is beckoning.
And I just want to sleep and hide from it all for just a little bit and hope that when I wake up, I will be back to normal. So I did sleep once J had left, and woke up an hour later much the same. I got up though and spent some time online and then some time with Mum and Dad, and soon enough...I was fine. And I am reminded once again of the grace of God. I am just so very thankful right now. In a way, maybe it's good that I have those moments, because once I am out of them I realise how far I actually HAVE come. Gratitude is a good thing, and a necessary one.

So I am over my latest burst of hormonal raging. And I will try and take the good from it and leave the bad and carry on with my blessed life. I don't know if God will ever heal me of this 'disorder'. But I DO know, because He has promised, that there is always something good waiting to be pulled out of every situation. And so I will always search for that. This is my plan, anyway ;)

One Week

Well it's been one week today for two significant things in my life :)

1. I've been home without my parents. Which is the first time this has happened as I usually tend to go on holidays with them! But they were off by themselves for the first time, and I'm happy to report that I survived and could have gone longer ;) This is exciting news, which I like rather a lot. Now this is probably going to sound ridiculous and kind of sad to most people, as you would think at 20 I would be more than capable of doing life for a week without my Mum and Dad. But my parents have been my comfort my whole life. Having an anxiety disorder, you need to grab on to something that is familiar and safe, and for me; that was always Mum and Dad. They went to Queensland last year for 3 weeks, which was a tad different as I stayed at Grants and a few friend's houses. That was hard, and I cracked just a few times! I had no concerns coming up to this week at all though. I was going to be looking after the house, the pets, and my own life without my two biggest "comfort people" around, and I had no anxiety over it what so ever. Very cool. What does this tell me? I'm growing up. I am learning to rely less on my parents and I am becoming capable of dealing with life like an adult. Which brings me to number 2...

2. It has been one week that J and I have been together :) And this may be why I have been doing pretty good without Mum and Dad ;)
Sometimes I think about it, and find it very hard to believe it's only been a week. How can I feel so much for this beautiful man already? How can my heart and mind and dreams and wishes have begun moulding so dramatically in only a week? (Okay so we knew this was going to be happening a while before it became official, so these things may have had more time to happen than a week ;)). But at the same time...there is still so much ahead of us, my heart bursts with excitement just thinking about it :) I can't wait to get to know his heart and mind better. I know I will only love him more with every little thing I discover. And I love that I don't want to rush it. I don't want to know and feel everything right now. This falling in love thing? It's a process. A very precious one. And I will cherish that :)

Unknown

I received an e-mail from a fellow blogger (http://dogfightatbankstown.typepad.com/blog/) a few days ago highlighting some concerns they had over my experiences/thoughts from Hills. I've been given permission to post some of it, and wanted to share with you guys to get thoughts, and especially prayer for how my beliefs are moulded on this particular topic. Some parts of the e-mail have been removed to protect the innocent (!!).

I'm writing in response to your recent blog post about your time at the Hillsong conference - where you list some of your thoughts and talk about being prayed for for your migraine. Your post caught my eye because you reported a few worrying scenarios that perhaps may lead you up the garden path despite your own personal desire to love and serve God. I was almost going to quote some of it on my blog but on reflection thought it best to contact you directly. Firstly a disclosure: in recent months I have become rather concerned about Hillsong and some of the shysters they promote - including some of those who were speaking at the conference. Having said that, I want to assure you that while I am very critical of some Christian leaders, I don't extend that to those who may not be aware how much their "teaching" deviates from mainsteam orthodox Christianity. Which means I am not having a go at you. At the same time I don't want to criticise your new friends, nor am I saying in anyway you should distance yourself from them. I am just aware, having been nineteen once myself - and I became a Christian just before that with no real Christian background - that it's a time when you are coming into your own as an adult, and you look more to your friends and peers for advice and guidance as you begin to work your own way through life. But unfortunately (and apologies if I start sounding like a parent) at that age, when everything is still new and fresh and exciting and scary it is what you and your friends don't know which is usually more dangerous than what you do know. So I just want to let you know that your friend Lisa was very good to pray for you about your headache ...... But she was wrong and misleading to start rebuking Satan or casting demons out of you if that is what she did. Don't get me wrong, there are such spiritual entities as demons but you do not need to fear them and nor are they the cause of your migraines or illness. Unfortunately many use scriptures out of context to justify this sort of nonsense, forgetting too to look at what the rest of Scripture also says.Secondly, while we know Christ, there is no guarantee or promise that we will not suffer or be ill in this life. This does not mean we cannot turn to Him in prayer for healing - but there is no promise of healing, not in this life. This does not obviate our desire and obligation to help alleviate suffering if it is in the form of medical illness - by advancing the cause of medicine, health care, social welfare etc - nor does it mean that God doesn't graciously heal us sometimes miraculously. But its the rare exception not the rule. And what many Christians forget is that sometimes we will be called to suffer in various ways, and for some (and here I am not saying you or your migraine) that will also mean enduring chronic illnesses or diseases.But the sort of teaching that is promulgated by Hillsong, many of the speakers at the conference, and many others in pentecostal/charismatic circles is that
there is something wrong with you if you get sick (you must be sinning!!! you are being oppressed by the Devil) and/or
you have a right to expect healing if you pray for it.
And usually, if you are not healed, they falsely insinuate that it is because you don't have enough faith. All of that is garbage of course and has sometimes had tragic results - where for example children have died because their parents have not taken children to doctors under their mistaken belief Jesus will cure them. Or the false hope peddled by charatans like Benny Hinn and one Rheinhard Bonnke whom you probably saw.. We don't have faith in our faith. We have faith in Jesus Christ. He is the author and finisher of our faith. Subject and object.So the revelation you had about healing - which I think is understandable given your experience - is actually not quite right. Yes in some sense sickness and illness is part of our fallen state, our broken relationship with God, but while we who are now united with Christ by faith can begin to live out the New Life, the resurrection life here, now, we are in this "now and not yet" where we will still experience sickness, ill health.

I honestly and truely appreciate this persons willingness to take time out to e-mail some random they know nothing about, simply because they read some things that concerned them, and I let them know this. A lot of what this person said made sense to me, and cleared up a few of my "I don't feel quite right about this" thoughts that I had over the Hillsong week.
Since receiving the e-mail, I've had a few moments of discouragment and just plain frustration. I realised that I am at a stage where I am going to take any information that may seem possibly correct (and some fellow christians believe) as truth and grab onto it and name it my belief, simply so that I can add to 'things I know'. This is not a good thing. I understand that we are always going to be challenged in our various beliefs and we will never truely know the Heart of God or what He is about until we meet Him face to face. And the not knowing? That is what is so precious about faith.
But I feel like I am not knowing a whoooole lot. I don't want to feel stupid or unknowledgable and while I am okay with seeking the truth and having people help me, sometimes I just wish I was a Christian who knew what they believed and were confident in it.
But none of this is important. What is important is that I take what God is trying to teach and tell me from this. Which I think is just to keep prayerfully seeking. To understand that not everything I hear from Christians is going to be the truth, and I need to delve into the Word to help me understand Christ's position. And that as long as I keep seeking the true heart of my Father and let this be my number one desire, God will use me and bless me and teach me.

So back to the matter at hand...what do you guys think about the healing thing? The blogger has listed some books that I may be interested in, so the next time I'm at Word or Koorong, I will most definitely be having a look.

Thoughts and prayers appreciated.

Hills

So...Hillsong...was great.
Tiring, exhausting, draining...but awesome.
I didn't give much thought to the bus trip up, so I was a little annoyed when I realised that buses are not the greatest things to sleep on! We left sunday night after Sale's night service, and arrived in Sydney about 8am Monday morning. Those who are crazy went into the city, and those who are sane and forward thinkers (including moi) slept! Oh I don't know how those guys survived the first DAY let alone the entire week starting off with NO sleep. Sometimes I think I am old, and then I remember I'm still recovering from glandular fever + migraines, so am let off the hook ;)
I was in a room with the beautiful Lisa, and a girl neither of has met before called Charlene, who turned out to be my laughter buddy for the following 5 days. It was good to have the combination of the two ;) Char is HILARIOUS and we didn't stop laughing all week, while Lisa is a little more mellow (though has her crazy moments) and we were constantly looking out for each other and making sure we were both okay, which I discovered is necessary during a week of little sleep and emotional and spiritual upheaval!
I am so glad Lis and I got to know each other better, and am so blessed to have a glimpse into this precious girls heart. Infact it was just good to get to know all of the Sale dude's and dudette's a little better. I have been going up there often for a while, but theres nothing like getting to know someone while living out of each others pockets ;)
During the days I mostly spent with Char and Tony which was so much fun :) Tony and I sort of met up through Jas on the Tuesday, which turned out to be quite good, because we realised we were all in the same stream so had some familiar faces to sit with, and muck around with in between sessions. It was awesome to get to know Tony (I mean Anthony, sorry) better and I am beginning to be able to pick and choose when I feel like letting him into my brain, and when I don't ;) (:P @ you).
So the actual conference itself? That thing is just getting bigger and bigger. Which is a good thing, I have decided. The new Hillsong CD I am not terribly fond of, but the songs they chose to sing at the conference were the best of the bunch :) The teaching was unreal. Highlights would be Matthew Barnett, Christine Caine, Rick Warren (what a speaker!!) and Charlotte Scanlon-Gambill. I am now entirely intending on heading up to the womens conference in March just to hear Charlotte some more :)
Without realising it, most of the main speakers had their sermons based on the church and trying to get it back to what a church should be in order to reach the lost. This basically became the theme of the week...and it has made my heart grow even more desperate for a church to call home. I'm not going to write out all my notes and what I got out of each session, as this is something I want to do in my quiet time! But I will chuck out some things that either
a. caused "wow, so yes!" moments,
2. challenged me, or
c. I found quite smart!

So here we go.

• What are you doing with what you've been given? If you don't use it, you lose it. Where God guides, God provides. (Rick Warren)
• Don't be afraid to go out on a limb; that's where the fruit is. (RW)
• Investing in people who go there, is the only way to store your treasures in heaven. (RW)
• The only way you will know the purpose of an invention is to talk to the creator and read the manual. (RW)
• Life is preperation for eternity. This side is to get ready for that side. We must be practice on earth what we will do in heaven. (RW)
• Turn your mission into a movement and don't let it become a monument. (Christine Caine)
• We've reduced evangelism into a thing "elite troops" do, or something only a selected few do. We have ALL been called to it. (CC)
• Every follower is a fisher of men, not a keeper of the aquarium. (CC)
• Evangelism is an inconvenience to our neat structured lives. (CC)
• The harvest and Christians are plentiful, but labourers are few. (CC)
• Involvement is the key to evangelism. God so loved the worlds that He GOT INVOLVED. Choose to get involved. (CC)
• We would rather DO church, than BE the church. (CC)
• Compassion needs to lead to action, otherwise it is not true compassion. (CC)
• "I've been a christian so long, I thought the TAB is where you went for Tea and Biscuits" (Brian Houston).
• Everyone knows what the church is against, but they should know what we are for. (Matthew Barnett)
• We need to make the church visible in the community. (MB)
• Small and consistant is better than big and a once-off. (MB)
• The church should be the experts on every matter. When there is a problem, people should go to the church for the solution. (MB)
• We need to remember what it's like to be lost so we have a sense of urgency to reach those that are lost now. (CC)
• $20 is still worth $20 no matter where it came from (whether it was used to pay for a drug deal, or prostitution etc). It's value was given by the Australian Mint. Just like our value was given to us by God, and cannot be taken away no matter where we've been. (CC)
• We must not let the responsibility of all of us (evangelism), become the privilege of some of us. (CC)
• We must not have an 'in their face' approach, but in 'in their shoes' approach. (CC)
• Don't think sinners are not having fun. If sin wasn't fun, people wouldn't be doing. We, as Christians, just have a view into what will come of it. (CC)
• We must find a middle ground. Angels didn't see eye to eye, but God said if they looked into the pool of mercy, he would sit inbetween them. We need to be in the middle of the lost and dying world. (Jentezen Franklin)
• God's Word in our mouths is as powerful as God's Word in His mouth. (Reinhard Bonnke)
• Do you desire the fire? Then claim your flame. (RB)
• Our problems have come from our past to our present and they will go in to the future if we do not deal with them in the present. (CC)
• We need to learn to love the Ishmaels of our world. (Charlotte Scanlon-Gambill)
• We need to learn to hear and see what God hears and sees (C S-G)
• If we can't get it right in the House of God, how are we supposed to help the lost in their houses? (C S-G)
• Faith frightens the enemy. He tries to frighten us...so frighten him back! (RB)
  

Ok so going through this I realised there is a whole lot of info I have on all of these different subjects! So if anyone is interested in anything I've quoted, let me know and I'll write up some more.
So a few major things happened in me personally over the course of the week.
1. A year or two ago my mentor and beautiful friend told me that she saw me working with young girls in my future. Now I laughed at it then, because quite frankly...young girls bug me a little bit with their attitudes (:P). But ever since then, my heart has been softening towards them. And then Nancy Alcorn from Mercy Missions spoke in the Transformation elective I took, and spoke a fair bit about her work with MM. I just could not get enough. My heart broke for these girls and a passion ignited for this cause. I walked out of that session knowing God was working in my heart...and really; I'm just excited and open to wherever this leads.
2. I realised God doesn't want me to have anxiety. It was not the way he designed me, and while I may have learnt and become stronger as a result of my problems (as the Lord brings good out of every situation), it was not God's plan for me. I now understand where it comes from, and what the root of it is, and I will not sit down and take it anymore. This is not something I will have for the rest of my life and it is not something I have to prepare to deal with for the rest of my life.
3. I had a shocking migraine one night, and when I got back to the college, realised I didn't have any of my medication with me. So I told Lisa, who in return said "no worries, mate, come sit here", which I did, and she prayed over me. It's the first time i've experienced someone speaking in tongues so close to me, and the first time demons have been ordered out of my body. That girl has the gift of healing, and mate...am I glad :P My migraine was instantly gone. I had a slight headache the rest of the next day, but was able to focus enough in all of the sessions. And then when I walked out of my last session, a migraine just came on full blown. All I could think was "Lisa and Christine", so I got both of these lovely ladies, who prayed over me again, and my migraine was gone. The same thing happened during Friday afternoon's rally, where Reinhard Bonnke asked for a response to anyone who needed healing. Lisa was sitting behind me about 5 seats away, but when I responded to his call, she felt the need to lay hands on me, so did so...and my migraine from that night disappeared.I have not experienced this much before...but I have learnt there is power through prayer for healing. It was an amazing experience, and has taught me that I don't have to *put up* with illness in my body as this is not the way I was designed. A pretty cool revelation, I think.

And I can't believe how much I've written! I really need to go clean my room now ;) But I'm sure I will be back with other little tid-bit's of information from over the course of the week :)
My prayer is that I take what I've learnt and apply it to life. Faith without works is meaningless.
And to remain grateful, of which I am :)

Mush

My heart is so unbelievably at peace right now.
And I've been smiling for the last 20 minutes because he said the exact same thing as he left :)

The thing I love about this...is that life still goes on. Work still happens and family still bustles around. Friends remain the same and the weather keeps changing. But the world feels different and my heart fills up every minute of the day. I feel like I am being let in on a secret that not many people know about. That tomorrow I will get an invite in the mail to a secret meeting of Those in Love, and we will sneak into a heart shaped space and whisper and giggle about this feeling and this choice and those words and that look in our eyes.

Yes I am romanticising far too much, but I am letting myself have this. We are grounded and we are reminded of that every day. But this falling in love thing? It's different and it's fun and it's strange, scary and unknown. It's wonderful and exciting and exhilirating and heart breaking. I choose to embrace this, and I choose to give all I can to it.

And I am officially a sap!

I have discovered that my favorite thing to do with J...is pray :) I have never been much of an open pray-er (due to anxiety issues, me thinks), but I could pray for hours and hours with this boy. This is where the peace comes from, and when we're not praying often, the peace starts to disappear. We are learning our lesson :)

Ok...on to a Hillsong post...

Content

So this is where I can scream it from the rooftops.

I can now skip down the street and publically declare that he is mine and will be for a very long time to come.

I can explain to people now why I have a permanted smile planted on my face.

I can tell anyone and everyone how much I love him.

It's official people. And nothing has ever felt so right.

As of 23 hours ago...

Burkie is my boy :)

Leeeeaving, on a jeeet plane (I mean 'bus', but it doesn't sound as good)

So I should really be getting ready to leave, as Grant wants to get up to Sale as early as possible (excited much?), but I haven't sat at the computer for far too long in aaaages, so I think it needs to be done before I'm away for a week :)

So the past week has been...challenging. I'm surprised I slept at ALL wednesday night with the amount of excitement and anticipation I had over him getting back :) And mate, I am SO glad my tough week is over, and now he has to do it with me being away at Hillsong ;) Hehe. Cruel? Totally.

If you guys could be praying for me this week, that'd be great. Things have been going really well with the boy and I. God's hand in this is so evident, and our individual desires for God's leading and will goes beyond anything I have ever experienced before. And so the enemy has been attacking. I've had about 4 anxiety attacks over the past few weeks. And while I am REALLY excited to say that I have been getting over them MUCH quicker with the help of the boy, they still drain me and effect me in ways I don't care to admit. Satan will not win this. Infact his efforts are all a bit in vain considering it excites me the fact that we must be freaking him out with how right we are doing things. He can attack all he wants...and I will see them for what they are. And in the mean time, the boy and I can become all the more closer for experiencing tough things together.
And can I just add...this guy amazes me. He has never had to deal with anything like this before, and instead of freaking out by my anxiety and not wanting much to do with it, he wants to be there every time I have an attack and wants to know what goes on and is doing an amazingly fantastic job while he's at it. I am blessed. And I feel the need to try and explain more and make you guys understand what I'm feeling here, but it's not going to be possible. So I will leave it at that....I am blessed.

So this week is going to be awesome. I am so ready and open to be taught. I am excited beyond words at worshipping with 20 000 of my family. I am desperatly desiring times where I will feel like it's just me and God. I'm so looking forward to getting to know different Sale people (and a few WA's!) better. And I can't wait to come back and put into practice everything I've learnt.

It's going to kick batootie :)

And on that note, I am off. Have a great week, and I will be sure to have lots to say when I get back :)