Ups and Downs

Okay so I'm not entirely sure why I'm blogging or even what I'm blogging about, but I got the urge ;)

I have been a bit up and down lately (sympathy can go directly to J!). Saturday I was off to work, and was feeling quite anxious about that for some reason Friday night. But I am very thankful in saying that I hardly had any anxiety about it Saturday morning, and got to work and through my shift fine :) Praise God!

Sunday saw me showing my beautiful boy off to my old church! Lauren and Tim and the rest of the people who went to Thailand were leading the service at Rowville Sunday morning, so Mum, Dad, me and J headed there to suss it all out! Very odd being back at a morning service at Rowville. I entirely enjoyed holding on to J's hand so the world could see that Beth has grown up and she has the SpunkiestBoyAlive with her ;) It was interesting the people who came and spoke to us. Though admittedly we did have to leave relatively soon after the service. It was awesome to see Steve, Rel and the girls (okay especially Rel!!) and has made my heart ache desperatly to go and spend some time with them!! Soon, very soon.
We then headed to a restaurant for lunch with Lauren and Tim which was nice but a little too pricey for what they provided. This was J's first official family gathering :) :) It was probably a good thing that most of the attention was on Lauren and Tim and their trip, so J didn't get bombarded with attention ;) He did beautifully (not that he was performing!!), and Mum told me today that he is going to fit very nicely into the family, hehe. I do think so too ;)

Today...J and I washed Sam and Noofy AND cleaned Sam inside. Never mind that both cars are now dirty again (thank you rain!)...the point is we were productive and DID something and Sam is all beautiful inside, yay! Then we went down to Fountain Gate to look for phone holders and car mats and beds...and came back with three seasons of Scrubs. Hmm. Oh, and the phone holder, so I guess it was a successful trip ;)

We got back and I immediatly started feeling funny. About what? Oh, I don't know. Do I ever know? We cuddled for a bit before J had to leave for work, and all of a sudden I was overwhelmed with life. I was quite obviously feeling anxious...but unlike most other times, it wasn't about one particular thing. I was just overwhelmed. I think it just hits me every now and then. I have come so far and accomplished so much and life now is very different from what it was. Sometimes I just get reminders of what I used to feel like every day, and then I freak out at all the stuff I am carrying now that I am ABLE to carry it. When I'm in that moment (or in this case, a few hours)...I feel like I am back at the beginning of this struggle again. I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders and wonder how on earth I am ever going to simply DEAL with all life throws at me. I go over and over every detail of my life. Work : I cannot do that. It's too hard. I let them down far too often and I will just have anxiety attack after anxiety attack and soon enough they will get sick of it and fire me. Maybe I should just quit now and hide under a rock?
J: I am not good enough for him. I cannot be the partner he deserves or give him all that he should be able to recieve. I am going to make life hell for him and he shouldn't have to put up with me or my emotional upheavals and daily struggles. His friends are going to think he's mad when they meet me. I will never be enough for him.
Church: I'm never going to find one where I will fit in and be able to serve. I won't be able to serve even if I DO find a church because I will be too scared. Once agin, the rock is beckoning.
And I just want to sleep and hide from it all for just a little bit and hope that when I wake up, I will be back to normal. So I did sleep once J had left, and woke up an hour later much the same. I got up though and spent some time online and then some time with Mum and Dad, and soon enough...I was fine. And I am reminded once again of the grace of God. I am just so very thankful right now. In a way, maybe it's good that I have those moments, because once I am out of them I realise how far I actually HAVE come. Gratitude is a good thing, and a necessary one.

So I am over my latest burst of hormonal raging. And I will try and take the good from it and leave the bad and carry on with my blessed life. I don't know if God will ever heal me of this 'disorder'. But I DO know, because He has promised, that there is always something good waiting to be pulled out of every situation. And so I will always search for that. This is my plan, anyway ;)