The 'A' Word

I've been trying to decide whether to write this blog all night. I don't want it to seem like I'm just whinging or being down on myself or having a pity party. I don't want to wallow and I don't want to put anything out there that may cause criticism.
Rel said something yesterday that has been making me think (as Rel does). On the one hand, it seems natural that I would have a blog because I am a very open person. But on the other, by having a blog, I am putting myself out there for the world to see and to criticize. Anyone can read this, including rude arrogant and mean people who do not care about my feelings. I have no protection here. There is no shielding for me and I am putting myself out there to be hurt. Now I know I don't exactly write about things that are going to cause a war, and there is only a slim chance that I am going to have some random person come by and bag me. But I find ANY form of negative feedback hard. Including the people I know love me questioning something I say or anything that might have the slightest hint of negativity.
I told Rel I thought this was a good thing. I need to grow a backbone at some stage, no? And sitting behind a computer screen is probably one of the easiest ways to do it :P
Oh I have no idea where I am going with this!

So anyway, it would appear that I am blogging :P

I had a major anxiety attack this morning. It started last night when I started to feel a bit uneasy and slowly progressed into my "just want to hide under a rock away from the world" stage. Mum has said she noticed I was a bit fidgety last night, which is a sign something is not quite right.
I wish I would know when I'm going to have an attack. It used to be so easy to tell, but now when I'm down...it either means a. I'm just down and will get over it, or b. I'm going to have an attack. Well now that I put it like that I never realised it was so clear cut! I guess now that I've realised that, I can do things to try and prevent an attack when I do feel down.
Anyway, I was off last night. I was speaking to J before I went to bed and was SO close to heading off to bed without any worries, but then broke down and freaked out a little. About what? I'm not sure. I ended up going to bed and setting my alarm for 7am this morning to get up and go look after Jack. I went to sleep straight away and slept right through until my alarm went off, and woke up in an absolute panic. I headed into Mum and cried and freaked out and nearly hyperventilated and cried some more. Rach went and looked after Jack for me, and I ended up sleeping the majority of the morning.

Now...what was I freaking out about? My main motivation for writing this blog is to nut this out, because I'm a little bit confused and a bit bewildered by the whole thing.
There was nothing scary about going to Dave and Von's or looking after Jack or anything that the day entailed. There were no specific circumstances that I was afraid of or had cause for worry about. I was simply scared of going out in the world in general. I was overcome with fear of things unknown, which brings me to the root of my very anxiety problem and what it has been about all along. Mum was trying to get out of me what was wrong this morning, and I came out with something about being scared of the world and putting myself out there to be hurt. I still feel a little bit of that now, and I think this is the basis for when I normally freak out about things. I am scared of life. Most people are to a certain extent, aren't they?
This is not something I like feeling and it is becoming more and more of a regular occurance. It starts off with just a feeling, and then I dwell on it and it turns into an anxiety attack. This is good that I'm pulling it apart because it means I am giving myself power to do something about it.
Why is this happening more regularly? Because I'm not settled in life and there are a few unknowns floating around (ie. work, massage course, church)? Is it simply because things are going good for J and I and we are following the Lord, therefore satan is picking on my weakness? Does it even matter WHY?

I desperatly do not want to go back to the way I was. I'm petrified of being back in that place and realising that everything I had worked so hard for has disappeared and all the baby steps and giant steps I had made were for nothing. And that just seems so very possible, you know? But talking like that is doing nothing for ensuring that doesn't happen, hey.

Where do I go from here? My options as I see them:

• I keep going the way I was, hoping this is just a stage and it will pass and things will go back to normal for the majority of the time, with an attack here and there over things that ARE significant. All the while praying that if it's n God's will, He will take the anxiety away from me so that I can live and bring glory to His name the best way I can.
• I go and see my GP and talk to her about it. See if maybe I should try other medications.
• I go and see a different GP. Maybe someone specialised.
• I realise I am just going to have this all of my life and I obviously DON'T have the coping skills, so go and see a phsycologist/councellor who will be able to provide me with them.

I obviously need to pray and seek God in this. I really am very unsure of what to do now, and I want option 1 to only happen if i have made a CHOICE, not just because I was to scared to do anything else.

So I think I'm okay now. I really need to just spend some time with God. Which I will head off and do now.