Growing Pains and Triumphs

Peace, Patience, and Perspective

2007-04-16T20:06:00.000-07:00

Well, unless you have been living under a rock for the past two weeks, you will be aware that I am now an engaged woman :) It's funny the way the excitement of it works. Because you immediately get thrown back into life (where you would THINK that the world would cease it's formal ways and celebrate for at LEAST a year!), and you find yourself doing something meaningless at work and wondering if you should be excited ALL THE TIME! Alas, it doesn't work like that. The fact is, there are only a handful of people on this earth that actually know of our news, and while their excitement and congratultions is lovely and so well received, the rest of the world does go on, and we must too.
But every now and then we stop, and remember what we have actually done, and what we will be doing...and oh, my heart bursts for a moment or two. It is so exciting, and so emotional, and so spiritual, and I just honestly had absolutely no idea what this would be like.
He exceeded my expectations is who he was as a person, and then as a friend, and then as a boyfriend, and I am now learning that he is doing it once again as my fiance.

So it will be a busy few months. We leave for Thailand in under 2 weeks (oh MY GOODNESS!), then the engagement party, my 21st, Mum and Dad moving house, the wedding (did you hear that?!), then ME moving from my new house into J's. Overwhelming? Just a tad.
Here's the thing; I don't want to get too caught up in the wedding and forget about that marriage. And I don't want to get too caught up in the marriage and forget about God.
Because yes, this is an incredible time. One of excitement and planning and fun and nervousness and more planning. But God knew this was going to happen. He knows what will happen when we have our first child too. And when we will lose someone close to us. And what we will have for dinner in 2 years time on the 29th of October. And whether we will bank with ANZ or Commonwealth. This is just something else in our lives. One of the trillion and one things that will happen in this life. And then there will be eternity. With our God. I don't want to lose sight of that bigger picture, because that is what will keep me with the right perspective.

So, I shall continue to take deep breaths, and do random little "I'm getting married!" jigs, and love my fiance the best I can, and go to work, take a holiday, move a few houses, celebrate a few birthdays, and serve my Father. Oh yes sirree ;)

What would happen...

2007-03-19T01:36:00.000-07:00

...if I made the decision to be strong. If I made a stand and declared that in Jesus name I will resist the temptation, and be victorious.

What would happen if I understood that this problem had already been solved, that Jesus had already defeated the enemy, and that my purpose and way in life was already clear.

Is it truely possible for me to do this? Why does it seem like something I cannot grab hold of?

Jesus is Lord of all. He is Victorious and His way is always right. The arm is stretched out, I just need to take it.

Sister

2006-12-15T15:43:00.000-08:00

My sister has just started reading my blog (not that there has been much to read of late!), and it got me thinking yesterday about whether it would change the way I wrote or the things I write about.
Lauren and I have a funny relationship. We love each other to pieces, which is apparent most of the time, yet we both irritate the absolute crap out of each other aswell. Not that funny I suppose, as I'm guessing most sisters would be the same!

We are both so very different, yet I think very alike in ways we wish not to admit ;) Since she got married 3 years ago, we have become quite protective over each other. Lauren would be known as the stubborn one, but when it comes to each other...we both have a fierce love which has seen her rushing to my side when I had a minor car accident, and me becoming a little too passionate and perhaps a tad defensive/protective when Lauren and her hubby have a slight row (apparently I need to remember that I am always just hearing Laurens side!).

As we both grow up, our relationship grows too. She is no longer the big sister who gets everything her own way, and I am (hopefully!) no longer the nagging little sister. She is someone I know will always be there. She is someone who I will go to when I need help, or advice, or just a hug. And most importantly, she is someone I will always call when I just need to go shopping! :P

I hope and pray that our relationship just continues to strengthen and we allow this special connection to become something we rely on, and something we cherish. And I have just had a little burst of blessings realising that knowing she reads this won't change a single thing :)

How does it work...

2006-11-07T01:56:00.000-08:00

That in one day, the nation gambled 35 million dollars on large animals running around in a circle...

while half the population of the world lived on only two dollars?

Family Favs

2006-10-26T05:11:00.000-07:00

P.S: I got the job :) But most of you know that already!

P.P.S: Photography by James Burke @ www.jamesburke.com.au ;);)
(Even the one he is in! Oh, what a talented boy)

Random

2006-10-23T07:18:00.000-07:00

How spunky is that boy? :)
I am one blessed girl.

The interview last friday went really well. I hear on Wednesday if I get it. I REALLY hope I get it :P Though most of you will be aware of that by now ;)
I will be okay if I don't though *nods* God has plans. Good ones :)

And I have achieved so much with coming this far. Taking the initiative and the step to actually apply for the position when I didn't have to, and then going through two interviews with two different people. I never would have been able to do that

a few years ago. Actually I was thinking back to when I had my interview with Payless, and
am just amazed at the two completely different people of how I was in my Payless interview four
years ago, to how I have conducted myself in these ones. You just can't say that God doesn't transform when you look at my life.

J is booked for Thaliand :) It feels good knowing he is coming. Mind you, I am still petrified! But perhaps just on a lesser scale now ;) It will be wonderful to have him there, and I wouldn't want it any other way...now that we have grown together as a couple. I just wouldn't want to experience it without him.

We have family photos on Sunday. I will post my fav's soon :)

I will report with news when I have news!

Shoe Woman

2006-10-16T01:11:00.000-07:00

Considering I've posted three blogs in the last week, it's surprising I haven't mentioned any of the following news!

I have finished my massage course. No you are not on candid camera, nor is there a new holiday called "October Fools Day". I have finished it. And it feels GOOD! And the point of the course was reached, that being that I now know whether I want to pursue Massage Therapy as a career, and I don't. So I will work my butt off up until Thailand, have a life changing experience over there, and come home hopefully with some idea of what I'm wanting to do from then.

Speaking of work, I did get a call back from Williams, and I went for an interview with the Manager last Thursday. It went extremely well, and I heard back today. I have a second interview with the district manager on Friday at 9.30am.
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!
I was stressing my little behind off all day until I heard. As in, I cried in the movie J and I saw...not because it was moving, but because I was so worried I wouldn't get a call! As much as I told myself not too, I think I have convinced myself I will get the job. It all just seems to fit so perfectly together and God has been opening doors left, right and centre and I do REALLY want it. I am generally rather blase when it comes to big things like this, and pretty much put it in God's hands and leave it there. I can want something, but am not desperate for it. This? I am desperate for. I want it with a passion. And to tell you truth...it's kind of nice to want something like this so much. I just need to remember that I still need and must put it in God's hands, and ask that His will be done...whatever that is. And leave it at that.

I am just so ready to leave Payless. I have had enough of the politics and the people and the completely random hours. And yeah, I know I'm going to get the politics no matter what company I'm in, so don't go rainin' on my parade...I know, I know :P

I have no more points. I thought I had more than that. Oh well...that'll do pig, that'll do.

Consuming Fire

2006-10-15T22:47:00.000-07:00

I'm not normally a fan of posting lyrics, but this song has caught me lately. And at risk of sounding like a 13 year old "emo" kid...the words largely describe where I am at. Maybe I will elaborate at a later stage, or maybe God will move in my heart and mind and this will be a fleeting memory of a time I was "stuck". I'm hoping and praying for the latter :)

There must be more than this,
O breath of God come breathe within,
There must be more than this,
Spirit of God we wait for You.

Fill us anew we pray,
Fill us anew we pray.

Consuming fire fan into flame,
A passion for Your Name,
Spirit of God fall in this place,
Lord have Your way,
Lord have Your way with us,

Come like a rushing wind,
Clothe us with power from on high,
Now set the captives free,
Leave us abandoned to Your praise.

Lord let Your glory fall,
Lord let Your glory fall.

Stir it up in our hearts Lord,
Stir it up in our hearts Lord,
Stir it up in our hearts Lord,
A passion for Your Name.

Fav Pics From Day at the Beach

2006-10-12T22:00:00.000-07:00

Moving

2006-10-09T19:17:00.000-07:00

What happens when one decides to cease the drought of Massage Therapy Course and dust off the books?

The procrastination returns!

Thus, I have a new e-mail address ;)

bethany.e.crowe@gmail.com

J uses it, and after sitting on his knee watching him navigate through gmail time after time, I have been lured in.

Suggested email-warming (do you get it? anyone..?) presents:
- a new pair of sunglasses
- window tinting for Noofy
- petrol vouchers
- (I was just kidding about the petrol vouchers, I would prefer..)..clothes vouchers

Achoo

2006-10-01T09:31:00.000-07:00

Not a big post as I am hanging out for bed. Yay for throat infections and colds! Serves me right, I didn't exactly stay away from J while he was sick :P

I have applied for a 2IC position at Williams. If they don't ring back in the next few days, I will be shattered :P

Mum isn't well. Heading to a specialist tomorrow and will probably be in hospital tomorrow night. Nothing serious, she just need to be on an IV to clear her system out properly. Prayers would be great :)

Aaaaaand...life is still going. Love is still growing. And I'm enjoying every minute of it ;)

Protection

2006-09-18T21:51:00.000-07:00

I have realised recently that every one of my friends has an element of protectivness over me that seems to surpass the normal amount of friendly protection.

Is it just the way I perceive things to be, or do my friends truely feel a need to watch out for me a little extra?
And what is it about me that causes this? Am I too innocent? Naive? Weak?

I'm not saying I have a problem with this at all :) It's just something that I have been thinking about lately and in hopes of discovering myself a little bit more, would like to know why it is that this is.

Nudges

2006-09-14T17:36:00.000-07:00

I've just come inside after being locked out for an hour or so. The reason? Well on the surface, it's because I went to bring the bins in, and stupidly shut the back door behind me. But I have a feeling the deeper meaning is because I haven't been spending enough time with God.

Thankfully we have a phone in the garage, so I called Dad to see when he would be home. After learning he would be at least another 45 minutes, I promptly picked up the broom and swept out our entire double car garage, and then the walkway and deck at the front of the house. I then proceeded to go and find Macy, and took her and a toy out on the front lawn to play for a while. I was getting a bit restless at this point, as I had (huge) plans involving drying the dishes and vacuuming the loungeroom!

Macy wasn't terribly interested in playing with me, which I understand, because she had a whole new area to roam and sniff and pee on. And so I sat there. Wondering what I could do next. Rake up the front lawn? Pointless, it would be full of leaves again by tomorrow morning. Wash Noofy? All the cleaning stuff was inside. Go for a walk? I was wearing Mum's 2 sizes too big shoes. As I went through random things I could do, I felt a gentle nudging to pray. I haven't been doing too good in that area lately (isn't it funny that we call it just a part of our lives? Shouldn't it be our entire lives; being in constant communication with the Lord?). I've always struggled with prayer, and for the past year or so have been writing my prayers in journals, which HAS been helping. But I've sucked at it lately, plain and simple really.

And so I told myself (or God?) that Dad would be home soon, and there would be no point, and I had to watch Macy so I couldn't concentrate and lededadeda. And God just said to me, "I will hold Dad up until you spend some time with me". I pushed it asdide, thinking..."Dude your brain is getting inventive Beth". But I just kept hearing it, and I kept gettig nudged, and eventually I couldn't ignore it any longer. And so I spent 15ish minutes bringing random things to God, and just sitting in His presence, praising and thanking and asking and listening.

After a while, I felt as if that was enough...and sure enough, I hear Dad's car coming down the road.

I guess this whole little story isn't just about responding to God's nudges. It also tells me that when I sit still for a little while, that's when God will nudge me, and talk to me. Sometimes I think we worry too much about our prayers. And while it is important, no denying that, perhaps it's just as, or even more important to purposefully sit still, and listen for God's voice. I don't want Him to be constantly trying to talk to me and work in my life, but I'm too busy with unimportant little things to notice.

It took me locking myself out of the house this time for me to notice him. I don't want there to be a next time.

Thank You for how You teach us

If only I had listened...:P...

2006-08-29T22:52:00.000-07:00

Just a quick one...

The weekend went really well :) Yeah yeah, you all now have permission to say "I told you so" :P

I have told Em that I would like to be considered for the 2IC position. She was going to be speaking to Frank today, and I am guessing I will hear from either or both of them tomorrow.
I am all relatively calm about it. I know whatever happens, will happen for a reason (how cliche is that). Honestly, I'm not thinking about it much.

Missed my tablet yesterday morning accidentally and paid the price for it today. That was fun *ahem* Bugs me a little bit seeing who I am without medication. Also makes me very thankful for medication.

Just started 3 weeks of 12-3 shifts at Ringwood. Joy. The upside is I get to see Sam and Bec on Thursday :) Yes sirree..this time it IS going to happen ;)

And it's bed time.

Moving Up

2006-08-25T21:20:00.000-07:00

It's a big weekend coming up :) <--- This is me smiling nervously :P J and I are heading up to Warragul after I finish work to spend the night and half of Sunday with his parents and sister. I have only ever met his parents once, and it was the day after I had met J! So they only knew me then as a random friend of J's. I haven't seen them since J and I made it official, so I feel a bit like the pressure is on. I will also be meeting his sister for the first time...which is probably what is making me nervous the most, as J loves her so much, and she looks so cool and sounds so with it and I just very desperatly want her to like me. J keeps reassuring me that they will all like me and it will all go great...but he HAS to say that :P I will report back with the outcome.
Then we are heading up to Sale Sunday night, which I cannot wait for! Oh I miss those guys so much :) It will be fabulous.

During all the nervousness and excitement, I will also be thinking and praying about a situation that has arisen over the last two days.
I was driving home yesterday (this is generally when random large-ish thoughts pop into my head), when I began thinking about the possibility of me taking the Second in Charge position at the Oakleigh store. This has been available for a while now, as well as 2IC at Brandon Park, and I have never thought seriously about either one of them because I didn't want the hours or responsibility that the position entails. So this is why it was a bit odd and out of the blue that I started to see myself taking the position. All last night and today I have been thinking seriously about it, and had a chat to Emma (manager at Oakleigh) this afternoon about it.
The reality is...I really need some stable hours, because I just can't go along with one week earning $500, and the next week only $60. I desperatly to get back on track with paying Noofy off, living expenses are becoming more of a burden, I have a trip to Thailland to pay for, and it would be wise to start saving sooner rather than later.
I have pretty much come to the conclusion that massage (in whatever form that may be) is not what I want to be doing. I've realised that I have pretty much convinced myself that it would be a good job, because it's something I was somewhat interested in. However, I got real with myself a few days ago, and realised that I don't really want to do that as a career. And honestly, I don't know what it is that I want to do, but I don't think I need to know right know, and I trust that if I sincerely seek, it will be revealed to me when it is supposed to be. I do know though, that I need to start earning some regular money. And this 2IC idea is starting to look really good.
I would be working a minimum of 25 hours a week, with one Saturday and one Sunday a month. The hours are all generally spread out over the week, with not many early mornings or late nights. I love Emma to pieces and we get on so well and work great as a team. The responsibility is not as much as I thought it would be, and I think it would be good for me to have a little bit anyway.
So our main problem would be how reliable I could be. For both mine and Emma's sakes, if I did do this...I would be put on a three month trial for me to see if I can cope with the hours physically and mentally. And we would go from there.
The other issue is how much I would see J. If things keep going the way they are with his work, I would be working during the days, and he would be working at nights...leaving not much time for seeing each other. So he is going to sort out what will be happening on that front.

I need to tell Em on Tuesday whether I want to be considered for it or not, and then she will take it to Frank.

So prayers from you guys for me to just really be thinking and praying hard about this would be great. I know you all know what to pray for :P

Rel...you figured it out! Now start a blog ;)

A Source of Beauty

2006-08-23T21:12:00.000-07:00

Impurities in gemstones give them their colour (I'm so not telling where I read this ;) Though some girls may figure it out!) .
How cool is that, though? It's the imperfection that provides the beauty.

Hmm. It's just one of those random lovely things.

A Lesson

2006-08-18T22:03:00.000-07:00

I had an elderly lady come in to work yesterday, and she has been on my mind tonight. You could barely see her wrinkled fingers under the mound of rings she had on every finger, and her cart carried five or so bags on every handle, not to mention what was actually IN the cart. She asked me about the mens slippers, and I got a tad annoyed as I tried explaining what we had in size 10, and she kept repeating the same question. She eventually decided which ones she wanted, and I proceeded to walk over to the counter, and scan them in, waiting for her to follow. I soon realised she wasn't, and sighed as I wondered off to look for her. She had taken a seat on one of the chairs, and had her money out ready for me to take from the opposite end of the store to the register, which is often what a lot of elderly people do. I put it all through and went back to give her her change and receipt, and noticed she was having difficulty breathing and looked a bit flustered. I asked if she was okay, and she told me about how she had been feeling off all day, but didn't want to take any medication, because once she started, she knew she wouldn't stop. I offered her a glass of water (which I don't know if I'm allowed to do), to which she accpeted, in the end to take one of her tablets. She sat in the store for a while longer, and my manager, Pamela (who is also a Christian), ended up coming over as well. Apparently this particular lady comes in quite often, sometimes just to chat, and sometimes to buy 10 or more pairs of shoes at a time. She has told Pamela before that she has a terminal illness, and is apparently looking worse and worse. We stood with her for a while, and she sat with her head in her hands, trying to catch her breath and mumbling every now and then about how horrible it all was. Then she looked up and said something which had me speechless. "I'm scared that I'm dying". I'm so thankful that Pamela was there because I just didn't know what to say. There was something in me that was trying to get out, something about the Saviour's love and home and happiness, but my mind was jumbled and my mouth firmly closed shut. Pamela said something about how we are all born, and we live, and then we die, and it's all just a cycle and it's just important to have a purpose in life, to which the lady replied "yes but I don't know what mine is". Again...silence on my behalf. Infact I'm not even sure what happened then. There was something more there but I couldn't bring it out, and didn't know if I wanted too, and soon Pamela had walked off and the lady was asking about slippers for herself. She ended up buying a pair and my main thought as she left was, "why couldn't she have bought the two pairs of slippers together so that IPC's (Items Per Customer) were higher".
I hadn't thought about her much, until tonight when I was thinking of something to blog about. She came into my mind, and I began to think it through.
Pamela was speaking to me afterwards about how while we are working, we're not allowed to speak about religion or anything like that to customers, and that Pamela was hoping that one day when this lady came in, she would be free to take a break so that she could go and speak to the woman. I'm pleased about this, but I wonder if that's just because it takes the guilt away from me for not doing anything?
And why didn't I do anything? Why was I so shocked into silence? I know there are millions of people out there without the Lord as their Saviour and I know it is our job to share of His love. I know this and I have been taught this over and over and I've taken seminars on how to do it properly (as silly as they may be). But when I was faced with a real person, who had real problems, and who had no faith and was scared of dying...I froze. And I guess I'm realising that I really don't do what I was put on earth for at all. I don't. I live my nice little Christian life, focusing on my little Christian heart and my relationship with God and I go to big conferences and hear about how many people are lost and clap when we talk about bringing them to Jesus...but when push comes to shove, I do nothing in helping to build the Kingdom of God. And this is not okay. And it is not okay that I was more worried about IPC's, than this woman's frail and lifeless heart.
Pamela probably thinks the woman was bought into our store for us to have the opportunity to show her Christian love, and to invite her back again. But I have a feeling there was another reason, and it has something to do with God teaching me a lesson, and showing me what He see's of my life at the moment.

So tonight, I will be praying for that woman, and thanking God for the way He teaches, and asking for guidance and wisdom and clarity on what life is actually about.

And maybe tomorrow I will go to work not looking for high figures and good IPC's, but for souls to pray for.

Stuffeded

2006-08-17T02:33:00.000-07:00

This is what I look like at the moment! I am so exhausted!
Day off tomorrow though :) If I get out of bed, I will attempt to do some blogging!

Oh, you know

2006-08-15T23:08:00.000-07:00

You know, sometimes I read all of your blogs, and feel like I’m about 10 years old. I have nothing interesting to say, I don’t have many opinions on the current happenings in the world and it’s highly unlikely that I’m about to post a thousand word blog on anything remotely theological. I’m almost embarrassed to blog because it’s all just so…un-intellectual! (see, I KNOW that’s not a word :P) This is who I am though and I know if I keep seeking the true heart of Jesus, I will grow more and more into the daughter He wants me to be, even if that means not being the smartest chook in the shed ;) And that’s okay.
Indeed.

Ok, so…on with the mindless dribblings..:P..

Oh these ups and downs are killing me man! I would like to put it down to PMS (and I am tonight)…but PMS doesn’t go on 30 days of the month!
It’s starting to deeply affect (is that right bub? :P) my life, and J’s life, and my parent’s life, and I guess the lives of everyone around me considering I am chopping and changing all the time.
The doctors appointment went no where in relation to my anxiety and I am now searching for a new doctor as I have realised the one I was seeing is…stupid :P Ok obviously not as she has a doctorate :P, but she is not suited to me (there we go…that’s more polite). I would get into a rant and rave over what happened, but this would make me angry and I have thus far avoided getting overly frustrated by the whole ordeal, so I shall continue with this me thinks ;)
So. I need to find a new doctor. This in itself frustrates me, because I now need to go through the whole process of getting recommendations of someone, getting an appointment, going through alllllll my history with them (I have the history of a 80 year old I think!), with the possibility of them turning out to be horrible and me never seeing them again. But this is ok, because this is what I need to do in order to get help, and to make my life and of those who love me a little bit easier. Yes.
I should get on to that *ahem*

I’m getting lots of shifts at work. Managers’ shifts too, which is lovely because I get paid 25% more.
J has gone full time, which is proving to be a challenge for both of us. We have gotten used to spending a lot of time together. Whether this is a good thing or not; I don’t know. We are not able to spend as much time as we have been though with him working full time, and me getting more shifts. This is tough. And I am typing very structured and to the point sentences and I’m not entirely sure why :P

Okay, so…I have just come to the realisation that my blogs are becoming updates on my life. This wasn’t really what I intended it to be for. I’m not entirely sure WHAT I intended it to be for, but I’m relatively sure this wasn’t it. I wonder if maybe it would be different and I would be more free to write other things if I didn’t know certain people were reading it? Hmm. Something to think about.

Right now, however, I need to head to bed.

There are things going on that I want to write about. I am going to try and do this.

*nods*

Have I told you lately how beautiful my boy is?

Points

2006-08-08T20:36:00.000-07:00

Doctor's appointment produced anger and disappointment. This deserves a blog of it's own. The only good that came out of it is that I have a refferal to a nurologist for migraines.
Migraines are BAD! I'm getting at least a headache a day, usually turning into a migraine before 7pm.
Working in retail with the onset of a migraine is not fun.
J and I had lunch with Steve, Rel and the girls on Sunday. Lots of fun and J is learning why I love them all so much :)
Church at Riverside Sunday night. All of J's friends are great and I am sure a lot of them will quickly become "our" friends.
I am amazed by how I have been feeling God's presence in a few different situations lately. Often I have found myself thinking "wow, that wasn't me; it was God".
I'm picking up some more hours at work. Yay. No migraines while working please.
I have a new friend. She now owns a piece of my heart and regular thoughts in my head. God bought us together and has already blessed us both beyond words through each other. She is lovely. Her name is Nay.
J and I have now been together a month. I love him more than I did then, and I know I will love him more with each passing month and year. He continues to astound me. It's nice knowing. I thank God every day that He is allowing us to know.
I haven't had an attack since Friday. That's good, but it worries me that I find 4 days good.
My God is bigger than...anything. I need to remember this.

Quiet and Still

2006-08-02T15:03:00.000-07:00

I am struggling again.
I've booked an appointment with my GP for tomorrow morning. I think maybe I've finally realised that this just can't keep going on. People bug me when they are constantly down or depressed but don't do anything about it, and I've realised I am one of those people.
So we'll see how that goes. Prayers would be great, ta.

You too, should quietly trust in the Lord - now and always.
Psalm 131:3

Cake, Jumper Leads and Departure Dates

2006-07-30T10:57:00.000-07:00

Oh I really need to do this every day, because I'm getting to the point of actually having things to say every day! And then I actually get around to blogging, and feel like I have a million things to say. Mind you, I'll get to the end of this and wonder where all those interesting things went ;)

So I settled down after Wednesday. I had a really good day with J on Thursday, and by the end of that...was back to normal. Hmm. I am praying about what to do next. Oh, I have been getting migraines still since seeing my chiropractor on Thursday, so I am going to make an appointment with my GP to get a referral to a specialist. So perhaps I will talk to her about anxiety stuffs aswell.

Had coffee (and way too yummy cake) with Tony on Friday night. I was supposed to be working Saturday, but got a call early Friday evening saying they had been quiet, and Frank was cutting hours for that week. Right...that's okay except that was my ONE shift for the entire week! Ah, the joys of being a casual. Anyway, it had it's upsides as I was then free to be as late as I wanted with Tony and not worry about getting home to bed early-ish. We had a really good chat and have decided it needs to be a regular occurance :) I *may* have left my lights on and flattened Noofy's battery, but only because I was running late and in such a hurry to meet Tony that I wasn't thinking straight! Or something like that. Tony being the great guy he is, had jumper leads, and jump started Noofy for me :)
Side note: Thomas, you need to get lessons off this guy. You know how you stood there for about 20 minutes reading the instructions, and then had to RING YOUR DAD?! Tony did it all within 5 minutes ;) If you are going to be my friend, you need to know how to jump start a car, boof ;)
End side note.

Yesterday I slept in and had a VERY lazy morning, before heading down to my uncle and aunty's to help them move house. That was...boring :P But glad I could help.
Came home about 6 with a mild headache, watched The Santa Clause 2 which is to cute for words, and went to bed at 8.45pm with a full blowm migraine. Eh!

Off to J's church tonight. I am surprisingly calm. If you can be petrified and calm at the same time :P I think it's just that they are all so much older than me, you know? And probably sophisticated and worldy and classy and then here comes little ol' Beth, who has no clue about anything! No it will be fine *smiles* Do you believe me? :P

So, big news of the weekend: I am booked on a flight headed for Thailand on the 29th of April next year, and shall return on the 13th of May. My Dad's response was..."what?! where did that come from?!", so if you have had the same; don't worry :P
Dave and Von mentioned to me about a month ago that they were heading over, and would I interested in going with them. I said maybe, and would think about it. Then we chatted about it a bit more the Saturday night J and I were there for dinner, and I said I was very interested. Friday night I get a message from Dave saying he was online, and had found cheap flights...should he book me one? I really had no hesitations at all, so said yep! And yesterday I got confirmation that they were all booked, and I had better get a passport!
I have been thinking about doing something like this for the last few months, and it is definitely a God thing that Dave and Von are doing this and have invited me. I wanted to go overseas, not with my family, to see that there is another world outside of my own, preferably before I settled down with a partner. So not a coincidence that this is all happening weeks into a new relationship, and one which we are both relatively sure will go the distance ;)
I'm not sure of definite plans yet, but I know we will be spenidng a few days in a refugee camp that Dave and Von have a bit to do with, and also spending some time just holidaying.
It hit me driving home yesterday. I sent J a message saying "crap. I'm going to Thailand." :P It is a good thing, and a God thing, and I am excited beyond words and it is going to be amazing and something which I will always treasure. But it is big and scary and CRAP! :P There are all these underlying fears which I could spend my time worrying about, but on top of them, I have a peace about it, because I know it is a God thing.
So, yes...all very exciting :)

And now I really need to get my butt into gear and go and shower!

1 sleep til my birthday :)
Eeeee!

The 'A' Word

2006-07-26T23:30:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to decide whether to write this blog all night. I don't want it to seem like I'm just whinging or being down on myself or having a pity party. I don't want to wallow and I don't want to put anything out there that may cause criticism.
Rel said something yesterday that has been making me think (as Rel does). On the one hand, it seems natural that I would have a blog because I am a very open person. But on the other, by having a blog, I am putting myself out there for the world to see and to criticize. Anyone can read this, including rude arrogant and mean people who do not care about my feelings. I have no protection here. There is no shielding for me and I am putting myself out there to be hurt. Now I know I don't exactly write about things that are going to cause a war, and there is only a slim chance that I am going to have some random person come by and bag me. But I find ANY form of negative feedback hard. Including the people I know love me questioning something I say or anything that might have the slightest hint of negativity.
I told Rel I thought this was a good thing. I need to grow a backbone at some stage, no? And sitting behind a computer screen is probably one of the easiest ways to do it :P
Oh I have no idea where I am going with this!

So anyway, it would appear that I am blogging :P

I had a major anxiety attack this morning. It started last night when I started to feel a bit uneasy and slowly progressed into my "just want to hide under a rock away from the world" stage. Mum has said she noticed I was a bit fidgety last night, which is a sign something is not quite right.
I wish I would know when I'm going to have an attack. It used to be so easy to tell, but now when I'm down...it either means a. I'm just down and will get over it, or b. I'm going to have an attack. Well now that I put it like that I never realised it was so clear cut! I guess now that I've realised that, I can do things to try and prevent an attack when I do feel down.
Anyway, I was off last night. I was speaking to J before I went to bed and was SO close to heading off to bed without any worries, but then broke down and freaked out a little. About what? I'm not sure. I ended up going to bed and setting my alarm for 7am this morning to get up and go look after Jack. I went to sleep straight away and slept right through until my alarm went off, and woke up in an absolute panic. I headed into Mum and cried and freaked out and nearly hyperventilated and cried some more. Rach went and looked after Jack for me, and I ended up sleeping the majority of the morning.

Now...what was I freaking out about? My main motivation for writing this blog is to nut this out, because I'm a little bit confused and a bit bewildered by the whole thing.
There was nothing scary about going to Dave and Von's or looking after Jack or anything that the day entailed. There were no specific circumstances that I was afraid of or had cause for worry about. I was simply scared of going out in the world in general. I was overcome with fear of things unknown, which brings me to the root of my very anxiety problem and what it has been about all along. Mum was trying to get out of me what was wrong this morning, and I came out with something about being scared of the world and putting myself out there to be hurt. I still feel a little bit of that now, and I think this is the basis for when I normally freak out about things. I am scared of life. Most people are to a certain extent, aren't they?
This is not something I like feeling and it is becoming more and more of a regular occurance. It starts off with just a feeling, and then I dwell on it and it turns into an anxiety attack. This is good that I'm pulling it apart because it means I am giving myself power to do something about it.
Why is this happening more regularly? Because I'm not settled in life and there are a few unknowns floating around (ie. work, massage course, church)? Is it simply because things are going good for J and I and we are following the Lord, therefore satan is picking on my weakness? Does it even matter WHY?

I desperatly do not want to go back to the way I was. I'm petrified of being back in that place and realising that everything I had worked so hard for has disappeared and all the baby steps and giant steps I had made were for nothing. And that just seems so very possible, you know? But talking like that is doing nothing for ensuring that doesn't happen, hey.

Where do I go from here? My options as I see them:

I keep going the way I was, hoping this is just a stage and it will pass and things will go back to normal for the majority of the time, with an attack here and there over things that ARE significant. All the while praying that if it's n God's will, He will take the anxiety away from me so that I can live and bring glory to His name the best way I can.
I go and see my GP and talk to her about it. See if maybe I should try other medications.
I go and see a different GP. Maybe someone specialised.
I realise I am just going to have this all of my life and I obviously DON'T have the coping skills, so go and see a phsycologist/councellor who will be able to provide me with them.

I obviously need to pray and seek God in this. I really am very unsure of what to do now, and I want option 1 to only happen if i have made a CHOICE, not just because I was to scared to do anything else.

So I think I'm okay now. I really need to just spend some time with God. Which I will head off and do now.

.

2006-07-26T22:35:00.000-07:00

Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.

Robert A. Heinlein

Migraines and Igloo's

2006-07-24T02:40:00.000-07:00

I like having J here. We don't even have to be together all the time. Like right now, he is sitting in my room watching some show about cars, and I am (obviously) out here sitting on the computer. It's just nice knowing he is here and that I can go and give him a cuddle and a kiss whenever I want too :)
And he is becoming more and more part of the family too, which is really nice. Both of us, and I know Mum and Dad do too, look forward to the day when he can just be here when I'm not and be comfortable just sitting around chatting to Mum and Dad. This is quickly becoming his house too, and he has even commented that he likes having another family, and people he see's regularly.

I have been getting a few migraines lately. I'm hoping it's just because my back is out, as I'm going to see my chiropractor on Thursday. I'm a bit overdue for that, so it wouldn't surprise me. It's been so nice not getting them though! I didn't realise how nice it was, until they reappeared! I do have to admit tho...it is nice being looked after by a certain young man ;) He is VERY good at it!

Saturday night saw us heading out to Dave and Von's for tea with them and Rach and Cam...which was great :) A few hours in, Dave asked if I wanted to go and Jack Gaze (stare at Jack while he's sleeping), so we wandered off into the muppets room, where Dave proceeded to tell me that he approved of J, and thought he was a great guy and definitely "a keeper" :) I said yep, and Dave give me a big bear hug! This is big coming from Dave. Infact, I'll show you why!! We were there, maybe 5 minutes, whern Von said "Ok, let's just get it all out on the table: James, Dave is going to be jealous of you because he loves Beth very much, okay?" Hehehe! I also had told J that he wasn't allowed to meet Dave until after we were official incase Dave tried to scare him away, lol.
So it was very cool of Dave to say that, and is just one more thing confirming our relationship.
It was a great night. I had my first piece of red meat since starting to eat meat again! And it wsn't as bad as I thought it would be. Von and I are continuing to get on great and I continue to realise how much I want to be like that woman. Jack is growing far too quickly and is so cute I just want to wrap him up in snuggles and keep him there forever! And J got on REALLY well with Dave and Von, and we both see us hanging out with them a lot :) Which is a very good thing.

Today started my week of meeting new people! J and I headed down to Brunswick Street to meet up with Matt and Laura. Matt I had met previously at Hillsong through the Sale crew, but didn't get to know him much. We had lunch at Bimbo's, which is a bar/cafe filled with couches and a cave/igloo type thing which we took as ours and sat in for the following hour or so. This may explain why J and I both have funny heads/eyes now :P It was bizarre. We ate some yummy(ish) pizza, got to know each other some more, and designed our spehre shaped igloo/spa which we are going to take into outer-space.
Thursday we are having lunch with the beautiful Sam and Bec! I can't wait to meet these girlies :) That will be awesome.
And then Sunday I am going to J's church for the first time to be watched closely by all of his friends. Hmm! I am slightly petrified at this :P No it will be great, but I AM nervous. Only natural, I'm guessing.

And now I am off to snuggle with my boy while he laughs at things that are not funny about cars!

Birthday in 7 sleeps :)

The Power of Positive

2006-07-20T02:13:00.000-07:00

So you know how I've been having those ups and downs? I've been in a 'down' stage for a little while now, and I'm struggling. Wow, for some reason it just hit me when I typed that I was struggling. Maybe when I actually admit it for the world to see, it becomes more real? Oh I don't know.
I am just in this constant...blergh. I don't feel happy or joyous or at peace or content or just okay. And I struggle with this in itself because I have no reason to be sad or worried or scared or fearful. Life is pretty good. And even if it wasn't, I still have no excuse to feel this way.

So my purpose for this blog is to list my blessings, my good things in life. To remind of all that I have to be happy about. Maybe this will be the kick in the ass I need.

So here we go...

I baby-sat for my precious girls last night. It is always a joy to spend time with them and their innocense and joyous eyes always hits my heart.
I got to see Rel for a little bit, and was reminded of how beautiful this woman is and how blessed I am to have her as my mentor. This in itself, was a kick up the ass, as I was reminded of how much I love them all and how I need to be spending more time with them.
I have the greatest Mum and Dad. I will hear stories of other peoples parents and all those niggly little annoying things about mine disappear. They love and fear the Lord and have taught me to do the same. They have stuck by me through all my painful years and I know they always will. I have fun with them and ENJOY being around them and I know not many people can say that.
I have a great sister who I am becoming closer to as we grow older. She is the best shopping-buddy ever and I know that as we grow older and experience all life has to offer, we will do it together and always be able to go to each other for anything.
I have incredible friends. There are a few people who have been in my life for a long time and who will stay in my heart forever. I have friendships a lot of people only dream about, and I far too often take them for granted.
I have a job that I mostly enjoy doing. I get along with my bosses.
I have enough money to live off comfortably. Even with the price of petrol these days.
I am going to have time in the next few weeks to finish my course.
I have the most amazing boyfriend. He is so much more than I could ever dream of, and God loves me so much that he has blessed me with J to love. And he is dealing with me so well. Mate I wouldn't have been surprised if he'd have turned around and said "who is this chick?" with the way I have been treating him lately. But instead, he tells me he loves me unconditionally. He brings joy to my life, and reminds me constantly of Jesus' love, simply thru his own love. And we are going well. Really well.
I have a Saviour who died on the cross for my doubts, and my temptations, and my lies, and moments of weakness. I have a Lord who walks before me and follows behind me. My Jesus thinks I'm beautiful and desires my heart. My path is set, and my way set me before me. The greatest man who ever lived is with me all the time, and holds me in His arms when I let Him. He wants to bless me adundantly, and loves me so much that He only has everything good planned for my life.

There is no reason for me to feel like this.

Ups and Downs

2006-07-17T03:08:00.000-07:00

Okay so I'm not entirely sure why I'm blogging or even what I'm blogging about, but I got the urge ;)

I have been a bit up and down lately (sympathy can go directly to J!). Saturday I was off to work, and was feeling quite anxious about that for some reason Friday night. But I am very thankful in saying that I hardly had any anxiety about it Saturday morning, and got to work and through my shift fine :) Praise God!

Sunday saw me showing my beautiful boy off to my old church! Lauren and Tim and the rest of the people who went to Thailand were leading the service at Rowville Sunday morning, so Mum, Dad, me and J headed there to suss it all out! Very odd being back at a morning service at Rowville. I entirely enjoyed holding on to J's hand so the world could see that Beth has grown up and she has the SpunkiestBoyAlive with her ;) It was interesting the people who came and spoke to us. Though admittedly we did have to leave relatively soon after the service. It was awesome to see Steve, Rel and the girls (okay especially Rel!!) and has made my heart ache desperatly to go and spend some time with them!! Soon, very soon.
We then headed to a restaurant for lunch with Lauren and Tim which was nice but a little too pricey for what they provided. This was J's first official family gathering :) :) It was probably a good thing that most of the attention was on Lauren and Tim and their trip, so J didn't get bombarded with attention ;) He did beautifully (not that he was performing!!), and Mum told me today that he is going to fit very nicely into the family, hehe. I do think so too ;)

Today...J and I washed Sam and Noofy AND cleaned Sam inside. Never mind that both cars are now dirty again (thank you rain!)...the point is we were productive and DID something and Sam is all beautiful inside, yay! Then we went down to Fountain Gate to look for phone holders and car mats and beds...and came back with three seasons of Scrubs. Hmm. Oh, and the phone holder, so I guess it was a successful trip ;)

We got back and I immediatly started feeling funny. About what? Oh, I don't know. Do I ever know? We cuddled for a bit before J had to leave for work, and all of a sudden I was overwhelmed with life. I was quite obviously feeling anxious...but unlike most other times, it wasn't about one particular thing. I was just overwhelmed. I think it just hits me every now and then. I have come so far and accomplished so much and life now is very different from what it was. Sometimes I just get reminders of what I used to feel like every day, and then I freak out at all the stuff I am carrying now that I am ABLE to carry it. When I'm in that moment (or in this case, a few hours)...I feel like I am back at the beginning of this struggle again. I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders and wonder how on earth I am ever going to simply DEAL with all life throws at me. I go over and over every detail of my life. Work : I cannot do that. It's too hard. I let them down far too often and I will just have anxiety attack after anxiety attack and soon enough they will get sick of it and fire me. Maybe I should just quit now and hide under a rock?
J: I am not good enough for him. I cannot be the partner he deserves or give him all that he should be able to recieve. I am going to make life hell for him and he shouldn't have to put up with me or my emotional upheavals and daily struggles. His friends are going to think he's mad when they meet me. I will never be enough for him.
Church: I'm never going to find one where I will fit in and be able to serve. I won't be able to serve even if I DO find a church because I will be too scared. Once agin, the rock is beckoning.
And I just want to sleep and hide from it all for just a little bit and hope that when I wake up, I will be back to normal. So I did sleep once J had left, and woke up an hour later much the same. I got up though and spent some time online and then some time with Mum and Dad, and soon enough...I was fine. And I am reminded once again of the grace of God. I am just so very thankful right now. In a way, maybe it's good that I have those moments, because once I am out of them I realise how far I actually HAVE come. Gratitude is a good thing, and a necessary one.

So I am over my latest burst of hormonal raging. And I will try and take the good from it and leave the bad and carry on with my blessed life. I don't know if God will ever heal me of this 'disorder'. But I DO know, because He has promised, that there is always something good waiting to be pulled out of every situation. And so I will always search for that. This is my plan, anyway ;)

One Week

2006-07-15T03:46:00.000-07:00

Well it's been one week today for two significant things in my life :)

1. I've been home without my parents. Which is the first time this has happened as I usually tend to go on holidays with them! But they were off by themselves for the first time, and I'm happy to report that I survived and could have gone longer ;) This is exciting news, which I like rather a lot. Now this is probably going to sound ridiculous and kind of sad to most people, as you would think at 20 I would be more than capable of doing life for a week without my Mum and Dad. But my parents have been my comfort my whole life. Having an anxiety disorder, you need to grab on to something that is familiar and safe, and for me; that was always Mum and Dad. They went to Queensland last year for 3 weeks, which was a tad different as I stayed at Grants and a few friend's houses. That was hard, and I cracked just a few times! I had no concerns coming up to this week at all though. I was going to be looking after the house, the pets, and my own life without my two biggest "comfort people" around, and I had no anxiety over it what so ever. Very cool. What does this tell me? I'm growing up. I am learning to rely less on my parents and I am becoming capable of dealing with life like an adult. Which brings me to number 2...

2. It has been one week that J and I have been together :) And this may be why I have been doing pretty good without Mum and Dad ;)
Sometimes I think about it, and find it very hard to believe it's only been a week. How can I feel so much for this beautiful man already? How can my heart and mind and dreams and wishes have begun moulding so dramatically in only a week? (Okay so we knew this was going to be happening a while before it became official, so these things may have had more time to happen than a week ;)). But at the same time...there is still so much ahead of us, my heart bursts with excitement just thinking about it :) I can't wait to get to know his heart and mind better. I know I will only love him more with every little thing I discover. And I love that I don't want to rush it. I don't want to know and feel everything right now. This falling in love thing? It's a process. A very precious one. And I will cherish that :)

Unknown

2006-07-13T10:58:00.000-07:00

I received an e-mail from a fellow blogger (http://dogfightatbankstown.typepad.com/blog/) a few days ago highlighting some concerns they had over my experiences/thoughts from Hills. I've been given permission to post some of it, and wanted to share with you guys to get thoughts, and especially prayer for how my beliefs are moulded on this particular topic. Some parts of the e-mail have been removed to protect the innocent (!!).

I'm writing in response to your recent blog post about your time at the Hillsong conference - where you list some of your thoughts and talk about being prayed for for your migraine. Your post caught my eye because you reported a few worrying scenarios that perhaps may lead you up the garden path despite your own personal desire to love and serve God. I was almost going to quote some of it on my blog but on reflection thought it best to contact you directly. Firstly a disclosure: in recent months I have become rather concerned about Hillsong and some of the shysters they promote - including some of those who were speaking at the conference. Having said that, I want to assure you that while I am very critical of some Christian leaders, I don't extend that to those who may not be aware how much their "teaching" deviates from mainsteam orthodox Christianity. Which means I am not having a go at you. At the same time I don't want to criticise your new friends, nor am I saying in anyway you should distance yourself from them. I am just aware, having been nineteen once myself - and I became a Christian just before that with no real Christian background - that it's a time when you are coming into your own as an adult, and you look more to your friends and peers for advice and guidance as you begin to work your own way through life. But unfortunately (and apologies if I start sounding like a parent) at that age, when everything is still new and fresh and exciting and scary it is what you and your friends don't know which is usually more dangerous than what you do know. So I just want to let you know that your friend Lisa was very good to pray for you about your headache ...... But she was wrong and misleading to start rebuking Satan or casting demons out of you if that is what she did. Don't get me wrong, there are such spiritual entities as demons but you do not need to fear them and nor are they the cause of your migraines or illness. Unfortunately many use scriptures out of context to justify this sort of nonsense, forgetting too to look at what the rest of Scripture also says.Secondly, while we know Christ, there is no guarantee or promise that we will not suffer or be ill in this life. This does not mean we cannot turn to Him in prayer for healing - but there is no promise of healing, not in this life. This does not obviate our desire and obligation to help alleviate suffering if it is in the form of medical illness - by advancing the cause of medicine, health care, social welfare etc - nor does it mean that God doesn't graciously heal us sometimes miraculously. But its the rare exception not the rule. And what many Christians forget is that sometimes we will be called to suffer in various ways, and for some (and here I am not saying you or your migraine) that will also mean enduring chronic illnesses or diseases.But the sort of teaching that is promulgated by Hillsong, many of the speakers at the conference, and many others in pentecostal/charismatic circles is that
there is something wrong with you if you get sick (you must be sinning!!! you are being oppressed by the Devil) and/or
you have a right to expect healing if you pray for it.
And usually, if you are not healed, they falsely insinuate that it is because you don't have enough faith. All of that is garbage of course and has sometimes had tragic results - where for example children have died because their parents have not taken children to doctors under their mistaken belief Jesus will cure them. Or the false hope peddled by charatans like Benny Hinn and one Rheinhard Bonnke whom you probably saw.. We don't have faith in our faith. We have faith in Jesus Christ. He is the author and finisher of our faith. Subject and object.So the revelation you had about healing - which I think is understandable given your experience - is actually not quite right. Yes in some sense sickness and illness is part of our fallen state, our broken relationship with God, but while we who are now united with Christ by faith can begin to live out the New Life, the resurrection life here, now, we are in this "now and not yet" where we will still experience sickness, ill health.

I honestly and truely appreciate this persons willingness to take time out to e-mail some random they know nothing about, simply because they read some things that concerned them, and I let them know this. A lot of what this person said made sense to me, and cleared up a few of my "I don't feel quite right about this" thoughts that I had over the Hillsong week.
Since receiving the e-mail, I've had a few moments of discouragment and just plain frustration. I realised that I am at a stage where I am going to take any information that may seem possibly correct (and some fellow christians believe) as truth and grab onto it and name it my belief, simply so that I can add to 'things I know'. This is not a good thing. I understand that we are always going to be challenged in our various beliefs and we will never truely know the Heart of God or what He is about until we meet Him face to face. And the not knowing? That is what is so precious about faith.
But I feel like I am not knowing a whoooole lot. I don't want to feel stupid or unknowledgable and while I am okay with seeking the truth and having people help me, sometimes I just wish I was a Christian who knew what they believed and were confident in it.
But none of this is important. What is important is that I take what God is trying to teach and tell me from this. Which I think is just to keep prayerfully seeking. To understand that not everything I hear from Christians is going to be the truth, and I need to delve into the Word to help me understand Christ's position. And that as long as I keep seeking the true heart of my Father and let this be my number one desire, God will use me and bless me and teach me.

So back to the matter at hand...what do you guys think about the healing thing? The blogger has listed some books that I may be interested in, so the next time I'm at Word or Koorong, I will most definitely be having a look.

Thoughts and prayers appreciated.

Hills

2006-07-10T20:50:00.000-07:00

So...Hillsong...was great.
Tiring, exhausting, draining...but awesome.
I didn't give much thought to the bus trip up, so I was a little annoyed when I realised that buses are not the greatest things to sleep on! We left sunday night after Sale's night service, and arrived in Sydney about 8am Monday morning. Those who are crazy went into the city, and those who are sane and forward thinkers (including moi) slept! Oh I don't know how those guys survived the first DAY let alone the entire week starting off with NO sleep. Sometimes I think I am old, and then I remember I'm still recovering from glandular fever + migraines, so am let off the hook ;)
I was in a room with the beautiful Lisa, and a girl neither of has met before called Charlene, who turned out to be my laughter buddy for the following 5 days. It was good to have the combination of the two ;) Char is HILARIOUS and we didn't stop laughing all week, while Lisa is a little more mellow (though has her crazy moments) and we were constantly looking out for each other and making sure we were both okay, which I discovered is necessary during a week of little sleep and emotional and spiritual upheaval!
I am so glad Lis and I got to know each other better, and am so blessed to have a glimpse into this precious girls heart. Infact it was just good to get to know all of the Sale dude's and dudette's a little better. I have been going up there often for a while, but theres nothing like getting to know someone while living out of each others pockets ;)
During the days I mostly spent with Char and Tony which was so much fun :) Tony and I sort of met up through Jas on the Tuesday, which turned out to be quite good, because we realised we were all in the same stream so had some familiar faces to sit with, and muck around with in between sessions. It was awesome to get to know Tony (I mean Anthony, sorry) better and I am beginning to be able to pick and choose when I feel like letting him into my brain, and when I don't ;) (:P @ you).
So the actual conference itself? That thing is just getting bigger and bigger. Which is a good thing, I have decided. The new Hillsong CD I am not terribly fond of, but the songs they chose to sing at the conference were the best of the bunch :) The teaching was unreal. Highlights would be Matthew Barnett, Christine Caine, Rick Warren (what a speaker!!) and Charlotte Scanlon-Gambill. I am now entirely intending on heading up to the womens conference in March just to hear Charlotte some more :)
Without realising it, most of the main speakers had their sermons based on the church and trying to get it back to what a church should be in order to reach the lost. This basically became the theme of the week...and it has made my heart grow even more desperate for a church to call home. I'm not going to write out all my notes and what I got out of each session, as this is something I want to do in my quiet time! But I will chuck out some things that either
a. caused "wow, so yes!" moments,
2. challenged me, or
c. I found quite smart!

So here we go.

What are you doing with what you've been given? If you don't use it, you lose it. Where God guides, God provides. (Rick Warren)
Don't be afraid to go out on a limb; that's where the fruit is. (RW)
Investing in people who go there, is the only way to store your treasures in heaven. (RW)
The only way you will know the purpose of an invention is to talk to the creator and read the manual. (RW)
Life is preperation for eternity. This side is to get ready for that side. We must be practice on earth what we will do in heaven. (RW)
Turn your mission into a movement and don't let it become a monument. (Christine Caine)
We've reduced evangelism into a thing "elite troops" do, or something only a selected few do. We have ALL been called to it. (CC)
Every follower is a fisher of men, not a keeper of the aquarium. (CC)
Evangelism is an inconvenience to our neat structured lives. (CC)
The harvest and Christians are plentiful, but labourers are few. (CC)
Involvement is the key to evangelism. God so loved the worlds that He GOT INVOLVED. Choose to get involved. (CC)
We would rather DO church, than BE the church. (CC)
Compassion needs to lead to action, otherwise it is not true compassion. (CC)
"I've been a christian so long, I thought the TAB is where you went for Tea and Biscuits" (Brian Houston).
Everyone knows what the church is against, but they should know what we are for. (Matthew Barnett)
We need to make the church visible in the community. (MB)
Small and consistant is better than big and a once-off. (MB)
The church should be the experts on every matter. When there is a problem, people should go to the church for the solution. (MB)
We need to remember what it's like to be lost so we have a sense of urgency to reach those that are lost now. (CC)
$20 is still worth $20 no matter where it came from (whether it was used to pay for a drug deal, or prostitution etc). It's value was given by the Australian Mint. Just like our value was given to us by God, and cannot be taken away no matter where we've been. (CC)
We must not let the responsibility of all of us (evangelism), become the privilege of some of us. (CC)
We must not have an 'in their face' approach, but in 'in their shoes' approach. (CC)
Don't think sinners are not having fun. If sin wasn't fun, people wouldn't be doing. We, as Christians, just have a view into what will come of it. (CC)
We must find a middle ground. Angels didn't see eye to eye, but God said if they looked into the pool of mercy, he would sit inbetween them. We need to be in the middle of the lost and dying world. (Jentezen Franklin)
God's Word in our mouths is as powerful as God's Word in His mouth. (Reinhard Bonnke)
Do you desire the fire? Then claim your flame. (RB)
Our problems have come from our past to our present and they will go in to the future if we do not deal with them in the present. (CC)
We need to learn to love the Ishmaels of our world. (Charlotte Scanlon-Gambill)
We need to learn to hear and see what God hears and sees (C S-G)
If we can't get it right in the House of God, how are we supposed to help the lost in their houses? (C S-G)
Faith frightens the enemy. He tries to frighten us...so frighten him back! (RB)

Ok so going through this I realised there is a whole lot of info I have on all of these different subjects! So if anyone is interested in anything I've quoted, let me know and I'll write up some more.
So a few major things happened in me personally over the course of the week.
1. A year or two ago my mentor and beautiful friend told me that she saw me working with young girls in my future. Now I laughed at it then, because quite frankly...young girls bug me a little bit with their attitudes (:P). But ever since then, my heart has been softening towards them. And then Nancy Alcorn from Mercy Missions spoke in the Transformation elective I took, and spoke a fair bit about her work with MM. I just could not get enough. My heart broke for these girls and a passion ignited for this cause. I walked out of that session knowing God was working in my heart...and really; I'm just excited and open to wherever this leads.
2. I realised God doesn't want me to have anxiety. It was not the way he designed me, and while I may have learnt and become stronger as a result of my problems (as the Lord brings good out of every situation), it was not God's plan for me. I now understand where it comes from, and what the root of it is, and I will not sit down and take it anymore. This is not something I will have for the rest of my life and it is not something I have to prepare to deal with for the rest of my life.
3. I had a shocking migraine one night, and when I got back to the college, realised I didn't have any of my medication with me. So I told Lisa, who in return said "no worries, mate, come sit here", which I did, and she prayed over me. It's the first time i've experienced someone speaking in tongues so close to me, and the first time demons have been ordered out of my body. That girl has the gift of healing, and mate...am I glad :P My migraine was instantly gone. I had a slight headache the rest of the next day, but was able to focus enough in all of the sessions. And then when I walked out of my last session, a migraine just came on full blown. All I could think was "Lisa and Christine", so I got both of these lovely ladies, who prayed over me again, and my migraine was gone. The same thing happened during Friday afternoon's rally, where Reinhard Bonnke asked for a response to anyone who needed healing. Lisa was sitting behind me about 5 seats away, but when I responded to his call, she felt the need to lay hands on me, so did so...and my migraine from that night disappeared.I have not experienced this much before...but I have learnt there is power through prayer for healing. It was an amazing experience, and has taught me that I don't have to *put up* with illness in my body as this is not the way I was designed. A pretty cool revelation, I think.

And I can't believe how much I've written! I really need to go clean my room now ;) But I'm sure I will be back with other little tid-bit's of information from over the course of the week :)
My prayer is that I take what I've learnt and apply it to life. Faith without works is meaningless.
And to remain grateful, of which I am :)

Mush

2006-07-10T19:39:00.000-07:00

My heart is so unbelievably at peace right now.
And I've been smiling for the last 20 minutes because he said the exact same thing as he left :)

The thing I love about this...is that life still goes on. Work still happens and family still bustles around. Friends remain the same and the weather keeps changing. But the world feels different and my heart fills up every minute of the day. I feel like I am being let in on a secret that not many people know about. That tomorrow I will get an invite in the mail to a secret meeting of Those in Love, and we will sneak into a heart shaped space and whisper and giggle about this feeling and this choice and those words and that look in our eyes.

Yes I am romanticising far too much, but I am letting myself have this. We are grounded and we are reminded of that every day. But this falling in love thing? It's different and it's fun and it's strange, scary and unknown. It's wonderful and exciting and exhilirating and heart breaking. I choose to embrace this, and I choose to give all I can to it.

And I am officially a sap!

I have discovered that my favorite thing to do with J...is pray :) I have never been much of an open pray-er (due to anxiety issues, me thinks), but I could pray for hours and hours with this boy. This is where the peace comes from, and when we're not praying often, the peace starts to disappear. We are learning our lesson :)

Ok...on to a Hillsong post...

Content

2006-07-08T23:17:00.000-07:00

So this is where I can scream it from the rooftops.

I can now skip down the street and publically declare that he is mine and will be for a very long time to come.

I can explain to people now why I have a permanted smile planted on my face.

I can tell anyone and everyone how much I love him.

It's official people. And nothing has ever felt so right.

As of 23 hours ago...

Burkie is my boy :)

Leeeeaving, on a jeeet plane (I mean 'bus', but it doesn't sound as good)

2006-07-01T17:52:00.000-07:00

So I should really be getting ready to leave, as Grant wants to get up to Sale as early as possible (excited much?), but I haven't sat at the computer for far too long in aaaages, so I think it needs to be done before I'm away for a week :)

So the past week has been...challenging. I'm surprised I slept at ALL wednesday night with the amount of excitement and anticipation I had over him getting back :) And mate, I am SO glad my tough week is over, and now he has to do it with me being away at Hillsong ;) Hehe. Cruel? Totally.

If you guys could be praying for me this week, that'd be great. Things have been going really well with the boy and I. God's hand in this is so evident, and our individual desires for God's leading and will goes beyond anything I have ever experienced before. And so the enemy has been attacking. I've had about 4 anxiety attacks over the past few weeks. And while I am REALLY excited to say that I have been getting over them MUCH quicker with the help of the boy, they still drain me and effect me in ways I don't care to admit. Satan will not win this. Infact his efforts are all a bit in vain considering it excites me the fact that we must be freaking him out with how right we are doing things. He can attack all he wants...and I will see them for what they are. And in the mean time, the boy and I can become all the more closer for experiencing tough things together.
And can I just add...this guy amazes me. He has never had to deal with anything like this before, and instead of freaking out by my anxiety and not wanting much to do with it, he wants to be there every time I have an attack and wants to know what goes on and is doing an amazingly fantastic job while he's at it. I am blessed. And I feel the need to try and explain more and make you guys understand what I'm feeling here, but it's not going to be possible. So I will leave it at that....I am blessed.

So this week is going to be awesome. I am so ready and open to be taught. I am excited beyond words at worshipping with 20 000 of my family. I am desperatly desiring times where I will feel like it's just me and God. I'm so looking forward to getting to know different Sale people (and a few WA's!) better. And I can't wait to come back and put into practice everything I've learnt.

It's going to kick batootie :)

And on that note, I am off. Have a great week, and I will be sure to have lots to say when I get back :)

Patience

2006-06-27T03:55:00.000-07:00

My heart beats so quickly at the very thought of it.

Imagine what it will be like when (if) it actually happens.

This is driving me insane. But I love it and embrace it with everything in me.

I'm beginning to understand now, what they all mean.

Are you sure it's not just indigestion?

2006-06-25T22:20:00.000-07:00

So the friendpossiblymore is away for a week. And oh man, I miss him. Like, there is this constant feeling in my heart/tummy region and I cannot stop thinking about him and I just think it's about time he came home, don't you?

Ok so we are cat-sitting my sisters cat for her and my bro-in-law while they are away...and I'm sorry (cat lovers), but I just don't understand cats. I gave him attention before (which I thought was VERY nice of me)...and now he just keeps jumping up on me, and I keep putting him down, and he jumps up again, and so I put him down, and he jumps again...and you just have to wonder; how many times do we have to do this before he will get the hint? And what lesson is he teaching me? Not to ever give him attention because he'll just want more? Fine, if that's the way you want it buddy!

So yes...now that we have gotten rid of all the readers who were after some insightful words :P

Went to Crossway tonight with Thomas. AWESOME to see Thomas and hang out and realise Thomas will always be Thomas (a good thing). Crossway was...good. I was after some teaching, and they didn't have a sermon. Which was odd...but a good opportunity for some great praise and worship time. We headed off shortly after the service ended, so couldn't tell ya what the people were like. Though with such a big church, I'm not sure that'd be possible anyway. It has told me that I think I would prefer a smaller church. Which is a step in the right direction.

Big week coming up with work and then some well earnt (;)) time with a special someone, and then off to Hillsong we go. Hopefully a few more blogs will appear before then tho.
Maybe some with a little more substance aswell!

A Real One

2006-06-21T04:24:00.000-07:00

I've attemtped to blog three times today. Each time I've opened this window, and sat and stared for about five minutes, and then closed it again.
This is where I struggle with blogs/diaries. I feel like I need to explain everything. I can't just launch into a story and not give the details behind everything, which could get very tiring and a little boring and it IS unnecessary. So while I will attempt not to make things too confusing, I will also attempt not to write 10 000 words BEFORE I begin whatever I'm trying to say! I guess I need to remember why I'm doing this. It's not to entertain (even tho I am completely far too aware that people may actually be reading this while I'm typing!). Wow that's three words I've highlighted so far. Is that weird?!

Anywho...

Life is a changin'. I'm lookin for a new church, I'm searching for what I should be doing job-wise, and there may just be a new relationship, or at the least, very special friendship, on the cards.
I'm not great at change. New things scare the crap out of me and the fact that there are so many new things happening and I'm still kickin'...is major (4!). It blows my mind...to think back, even 6 months ago, and know that if I was in this situation, I just would not be dealing with it. God is incredible. I feel like an ass for not realising it sooner, and for not understanding at ALL the power of His Mighty Hand, and the love and devotion of His precious heart.

You know I was thinking before of writing about how I think I've missed out on 18 months or so of getting to know God, perhaps longer. I didn't get it together in that aspect (which pretty much effects every other aspect!) until after my ex and I broke up. And while my relationship with G had plenty of good things about it, and taught us both quite a lot...we were no where near close to having God as the centre of us or individually seeking Him and having a personal relathionship with Him (fooling yourself can become an art ;)). Sometimes I look back and am just filled with regret because I often wonder where I would be in life if those 18 months had been spent in the centre of God's will. Sometimes I wonder how much smarter I would be; in terms of bible knowledge. And how much wiser and with-it I would be. I get discouraged being among christians my age as they all just seem to know so much more than I do. I feel like a new christian, when I claim to have been one for years. And I haven't liked that feeling and often let it get to me far too much.

But as I was thinking about writing about all of this, and even typing the above paragraph, God has revealed something to me. He loves my heart right now. My passion and child-like faith is pleasing to Him. Wow. You guys. That is huge.
I'm going to choose not to be ashamed of my lack of knowledge, but instead embrace the opportunity to learn more.

So, anyone who reads this...don't be afraid to help me in this. If there's something you think I've got wrong...tell me and talk to me and impart your wisdom ;)

Right now I am learning that God answers prayers. That God is listening. I think this is a big lesson to learn and I'm completely enjoying learning it.
I'm also learning that my Father is so much bigger than the enemy. You know when you know something, but don't really get it? I am beginning to get this. And my soul dances with thanksgiving that my God will ALWAYS be stronger, simply because of His love for us. Understanding this is having a huge effect on my day to day life, as I'm noticing where satan is beginning to have foot-holds, and very quickly asking God to take them away from Him.

And I am excited. Oh you just have no idea! I am excited by what God has in store for me. I am excited at the things I can do to please my Lord. I am excited by the prospect of a new church, and new friendships, and new ways to serve. I am excited by this new friendship and what it means for my life.

And it's all just very good.

God is good.

Introducing Macy

2006-06-20T04:45:00.000-07:00

This would be the devine Miss Moo ;) I thought I had better introduce you guys to her considering she IS my baby and takes up much of my attention during the day! She is 10 months old, and the funniest dog we have ever had.
Her cuteness just can't be explained until you actually meet her ;) People wonder why we are so in love with her...and then they experience some Macy time, and fall head over heels too, hehe.
A classic Moo moment: Dad was vacuuming the hallway, and had taken off one of the attachments. When he went back to get it, it was gone, but in its place was one of Macy's toys, hee! Sure enough, Macy was to be found outside with the attachment. Too cute.
And yeh, she totally has all of us wrapped around her little claw.

Home?

2006-06-17T03:14:00.000-07:00

Ahh I am tired. This is where Beth learns that staying up til 4am is not a good idea, even if it may seem like it at the time!
I'm looking after my precious (Jack) tonight :) Seriously, when I get far too ahead of myself or too caught up in life; I just need to spend a few hours with him and he reminds me of how simple it all is :) Pretty good for a nine month old.
Unfortunatly, he will go home tomorrow and a few hours later, I will be back all tangled up in the web of life. I think there should be a rule, that lessons that have been learnt need to STAY learnt. I mean it's not as if we are ever going to learn everything we need to know anyway...so can't we just remember the stuff we DO actually learn?
And I'm ranting.
I'm getting sick. Just like everyone else. Thanks J. So the plan is to go to bed relatively early tonight, and I'm reasonably sure it will happen considering I am half falling asleep at this very moment! Oh yeah, I'm talented people. Posting a blog AND falling asleep? Multi-tasking is my middle name (shush tony).

So I need to get into this finding a church thing. It's nearly been two years. Ugh...that doesn't make me feel so good. Yes, I would be a lot more dissapointed in myself if for the previous two years, I had had the spritual maturity that I do now. But the majority of those two years were spent either at my ex's church not focusing on the fact that I needed a church of my own, or visiting friends churchs regularly that can't be called home because they are too far away ;)
God is nudging my heart though, and growing a desire for a church of my own. Even without the desire, it's still vitally important. Because of how shy I've been (can you imagine?! :P) I have never wanted to play any sort of role in a church other than the sitter-backerer. Now...I desperatly want to get in there and be involved and serve. My heart desires a church to call home, and a church to serve my God in.
That is pretty cool.
So I guess I need to be open now, and let the Lord direct me to where he wants me. This is the bit I struggle with.
1. because I don't like visiting churches by myself. I will tend to take Thomas with me, but lately he's been busy so that hasn't been happening. So I just say we'll do it next week...and head to Sale :P Come on Beth...you are a big girl now, and can do things by yourself. Indeed.
2. I haven't had much experience in letting God lead me to a specific location. I know it's not difficult and I know what I need to do and I know that God will be pleased with me and bless me once I give the steering wheel over to Him. I know, I know, I know. I now need to do, do, do.
And so I will let this passion for a church and this desire to please my Heavenly Father rule my actions and thoughts instead of my fear and blatant laziness. Yes sirree, that is what I will do.

Now that I've written it, there's no backing out.

Beginnings and Endings

2006-06-16T07:37:00.000-07:00

My first blog. I am slightly feeling the pressure considering the blogs that I do read, are good!
I don't know where my writing skills have gone, but I am relatively certain they have gone somewhere that is not anywhere close to me!
I don't know if I'm going to have anything interesting to say. I don't even know that this will last longer than three posts! I have been convinced to start a blog though, so here it is. And I guess the motivating factor that made me actually do it, is that maybe writing my thoughts out will organise them a little more. I think I've gotten into the habit of letting everything spin around in my mind before I blow up! I've lost the art of putting my thoughts on paper (or computer), and replaced it with driving myself insane keeping everything in. It only really hit me yesterday that maybe I wouldn't be so confused all the time if I gave this a go. Maybe there is a simple solution that I have forgotten about.

Bare with me. Don't expect brilliant writings or wise words. I have come a long way in the last few months in terms of my faith and maturity, but sometimes I still feel like I'm just at the beginning. But then again, there's never really an end, is there?

And this seems like a good place to end my very first blog, so here we go.